Starmer hits out at Dissolution of the Monasteries

In his hardest-hitting tweet yet, Prime Minster Keir Starmer has criticised Henry VIII for his ‘uncalled-for, and frankly quite nasty’ conduct towards Catholics.

Starmer is believed to be gradually working his way through ‘bad things that have happened’ and is on course to finally do something about the Gaza genocide – for which Britain is an official Sponsor - ‘at some point in the late 21st or early 22nd century’, according to government sources.

Palestinian amputees, gradually wasting away as a consequence of the blockading of international aid, expressed gratitude that the horrors of the Dissolution were finally being recognised.

Picture credit: deep dream generator

Forget smoke... as new Pope will be announced to the sound of Deep Purple Classic

In a move that’s being seen as very much a break with tradition, the election of the new Pope will not be heralded with white smoke.

Instead, rock guitar virtuoso, Steve Vai, will play the opening riff from Deep Purple’s iconic anthem, Smoke On The Water, from the much-misnamed balcony overlooking St Peter’s Square. Already, a wildly gyrating mosh pit comprising faithful pilgrims and tourists has formed below the window in anticipation of the iconic moment.

It’s understood Deep Purple’s management has given the nod for the song to be renamed Smoke From The Altar with proceeds from the resulting DVD and streaming sales being used to buy a Banksy for the currently only unadorned wall in the Sistine Chapel.

A Vatican spokesman, Monsignor Dougal Maguire, commented. 'Now let’s see the naysayers and contrary feckers accuse the church of being out of touch.'

Photo by Adam Gritco on Unsplash

Appalled by Trump, God to Expand Deadly Sins list

Horrified by Donald Trump's unbridled evil, God has decided to expand the deadly sins list, adding an as yet uncertain number to the current seven. God, the top Christian, is said to be 'gobsmacked' by the depth and breadth of Trump's malignance.

'God really thought that He had pretty much covered all the possibilities with the existing seven,' said Gabriel, a close God associate. 'And then along comes this orange wanker who just blows the roof off.'

In the coming days God is expected to convene a panel of experts to determine the number and type of sins to be added to the list. An inventory of Trump's 'unforgivable acts' is currently underway, according to Gabriel. 'We're already on day 10 and we're still not done. I mean, it took the Big Guy just a week to create the whole fucking universe.

The question of Satan's influence on Trump has 'inevitably come up,' Gabriel acknowledged. 'The information we have from our agents in Hell is that old Beelzebub is as shocked as we are,' he continued. 'That said, he's apparently starting to feature Trump in some of Hell's training videos.'

A representative of Hell declined to comment for this story.

Photo by Jordan Wozniak on Unsplash