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Sunak’s new policy: Levelling Down



After discovering that it might take more than a refurbished leisure centre and some new library books to bring the North up to the same levels of affluence as the South, Rishi Sunak has decided to give up on the project and impoverish the South instead.


‘We thought “the North” was just Birmingham’, explained a Conservative Party spokesman. ‘Turns out it’s fucking massive. It would cost hundreds of billions to do a decent job and that money is already earmarked for, well, us. So the new plan is to improve equality by Levelling Down’.


Sunderland has been chosen as the benchmark city. Every town which is poorer than Sunderland will be literally levelled and every town or city with average wealth levels higher than Sunderland will be gradually impoverished through the usual Government policies until the whole country achieves uniformity.


‘Except the Home Counties, obviously’ said the spokesman. ‘And parts of London. The good bits.’



image from pixabay


First published 1 Feb 2023


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First published 25 Jan 2023


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Relief after 'big beast' metaphor saved from near-extinction



Lazy journalists around the country were breathing a sigh of relief today, after successfully reviving one of their most trusty go-to adjectives to describe aging, but still heavyweight Tory politicians.


Following Tory 'grandee' David Davis's call in Parliament on Wednesday for Boris Johnson to 'In the Name of God, Go', hundreds of sightings of the 'big beast' descriptor have been spotted today, from the broadsheet press and rolling news, to social media entries, and even on leading satirical news sites.


'It really has been a worrying time for lovers of the big beast metaphor', said Mickey Jones, seasoned hack and political writer at the Daily Mouthpiece. 'The House of Commons used to be full to the brim of big beasts, with Michael Heseltine, Geoffrey Howe, Michael Portillo and the like stalking round the chamber, with their distinctive mating calls, scratching their balls, and making their toilet all over the mace.'


'But appearances of big beast MPs have been rare in the last decade or so', continued Jones. 'Apart from the occasional alleged but unconfirmed sighting of Kenneth Clarke's Hush Puppies in the House.'


'A long-term programme by the Telegraph to promote Sunak, Hammond, Hunt and others to big beast status has been unsuccessful', continued Jones 'They're still total lightweights. However, whoever thought of the strategy of using Boris's incompetence as bait to bring the big beasts out of hiding is a genius - we can expect plenty more sightings over the coming days'.



First published 20 Jan 2022


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