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Authority warns Tory leadership that bar has been set so low, it is now an H&S issue


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Following a series of politicians being rushed to hospital with broken bones, the Health and Safety Executive has been called in to investigate the Tory Leadership contest between Liz Truss and Rishi Sunak.


Their conclusion has been that a dangerously low bar that MPs have been tripping over is to blame and have urged government to erect barriers around it and install warning signs.


Tha hazard is expected to remain until September 5th, and sadly likely to continue indefinitely after that too.



First published 7 Aug 2022


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Income tax to be reduced to negative 4% and all NI contributions to date to be repaid - Sunak


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At what looks like possibly a desperate attempt to win back control of the leadership contest, ex-Chancellor Rishi Sunak's team has suggested he's contemplating paying 'so-called taxpayers' four pence in the pound for every pound they earn over their allowance, and refunding every single National Insurance payment ever made to all qualifying tax-payers*. He is understood to be considering crowd-funding the NHS as the most sustainable and realistic method and cancelling all of the backlog of appointments 'to give the NHS a clear start'**


His opponent, Liz Truss, is understood to have offered to double or quits anything Rishi has said, with bells on. So there.


*Only applies to Tory donors and Conservative Party members

** Does not apply to Tory Donors and Conservative Party members



First published 2 Aug 2022


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Vet decides to put Rishi out of his misery

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Having taken one look at the Prime Minister's election campaign, the decision was made to end his suffering and the suffering of the voting public. Said the vet: 'Clearly, he's been run over by his own campaign bus and then mauled by a pack of hungry journalists. You can see in his eyes he's given up. It's a kindness to put him sleep, by sending him to the Lords.'


We can all remember Rishi in younger days, when he used chase his own tail and lick Boris Johnson's balls. He liked nothing more than to race after a culture war and follow it down a internet rabbit hole. But that wet-nosed MP is no more and all we have is mangy old mutt, with only his Ministers to bag up the $hit he leaves behind.


The vet explained: 'As you can see, his policies are all festering, his strategy reeks and his core support is just about to drop off. His quality of life in the last weeks of the campaign, is just going to painful and embarrassing. He deserves a dignified exit, something in keeping with his term as Prime Minister – so I suggest we fire him out of a confetti canon, straight into the White Cliffs of Dover.'



First published 12 June 2024



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