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Next round of Tory Leadership battle to take place in the middle aisle of Aldi


Word from deep inside Conservative Party Central Office is that the next round of Tory Leadership Debates is to take place in the middle aisle of the Aldi supermarket in Gillingham.


Liz Truss, the Panda Pops Margaret Thatcher, the Travel-Iron Lady, will go up against Rushi Sunak, the illegitimate offspring of Mr Bean and that blue rat from that Pixar film, in what is said to be the Winner Takes All of Leadership Debates. Items on the agenda for discussion are believed to be: taking candy from babies, the flogging of dead horses and making the rich friends richer and their poor friends poorer.


A spokesperson for the Tories told our reporter: 'The middle aisle of the Aldi is the ideal location, in amongst the cassette players, the lawn darts, the welding kits, the socks with toes and the wetsuits that are just a little bit too small or too big. It's the ideal place to find something you didn't really want, something of dubious origin you don't really need, and which will be obsolete, forgotten and on the scrap heap in less than a year.'



First published 9 Aug 2022


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Authority warns Tory leadership that bar has been set so low, it is now an H&S issue




Following a series of politicians being rushed to hospital with broken bones, the Health and Safety Executive has been called in to investigate the Tory Leadership contest between Liz Truss and Rishi Sunak.


Their conclusion has been that a dangerously low bar that MPs have been tripping over is to blame and have urged government to erect barriers around it and install warning signs.


Tha hazard is expected to remain until September 5th, and sadly likely to continue indefinitely after that too.



First published 7 Aug 2022


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Income tax to be reduced to negative 4% and all NI contributions to date to be repaid - Sunak




At what looks like possibly a desperate attempt to win back control of the leadership contest, ex-Chancellor Rishi Sunak's team has suggested he's contemplating paying 'so-called taxpayers' four pence in the pound for every pound they earn over their allowance, and refunding every single National Insurance payment ever made to all qualifying tax-payers*. He is understood to be considering crowd-funding the NHS as the most sustainable and realistic method and cancelling all of the backlog of appointments 'to give the NHS a clear start'**


His opponent, Liz Truss, is understood to have offered to double or quits anything Rishi has said, with bells on. So there.


*Only applies to Tory donors and Conservative Party members

** Does not apply to Tory Donors and Conservative Party members



First published 2 Aug 2022


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