Essex pub raided for not displaying right wing memorabilia

A pub in Essex has been raided by police after customers complained there were no right-wing offensive memorabilia on display.

'No swastikas, no golliwogs, no framed portraits of Nigel Farage in sight,' said a Detective Constable today.

'Obviously we tried to give them advice on the right way to display any golliwogs they might find - preferably with a correctly tied noose around their necks, but they weren't up for listening. We pointed out we had better things to do with our time, what with raping and abusing law abiding citizens, but zero interest. We tried to give them leaflets on how to be racist, some Britain First tee shirts we had going spare, but they wouldn't take any notice.

'Of course, we've arrested them, charged them with wasting police time. We also noticed they had RNLI collection containers on the bar so we've charged them with offences related to funding terrorist organisations as well,' he added.

photo: https://pixabay.com/users/kbha-9658148/

Taxi Drivers Furious at Being Compared to the RNLI

Cabbies across the UK have reacted with fury to Nigel Farage’s suggestion that the RNLI is like a taxi service, delivering shipwrecked asylum seekers to safety on British shores.

“He’s bang out of order this time,” said Keith, licence number 4425631 from Gravesend. “If I was on a taxi rank five miles off the coast of Kent, I’d put my foot on their heads and push them under. I wrote that in the comments section of the Daily Mail, and so did five hundred of my mates."

Clive, a black cab driver from Stockwell and area secretary for the EDL said: “Normally, I’m Nigel’s greatest fan and when he comes on GB News I sometimes cream my pants. But he’s got us all wrong. I wouldn’t get out of the driver’s seat to save one of them people - or even swerve to avoid them.

“Where did you want to get to, guv? I ain't going south of the Channel at this time of night.”

RNLI ignoring fishing quotas, says Farage

The ex-UKIPer, face like a kipper, has accused the Royal National Lifeboat Institution of rescuing too many refugees, instead of throwing them back in. A spokeswoman asked: ‘What else is Nigel going to eat with his chip supper, if no dead refugees are available?’

The French and British have long held a maritime agreement that for every cod caught, they have to drop a Syrian child into the sea. Mr. Farage said the actions of the RNLI made a mockery of this, claiming that soon, fish will outnumber drowned migrants.

Explained one migrant, who was really an international drugs warlord: ‘We cunningly take ourselves top the point of death and then sneakily get a lift back to the mainland’. Asked why, if he was an international drug lord, did he not just get a fake passport and pop over on the ferry, he replied: ‘Um…er…’.

The UK Government has agreed to send gunboats to sink the RNLI vessels. To further protect the dwindling stocks, Mr Farage suggested that the UK be flooded, thus removing the land to land on. Claimed the spokeswoman: ‘By being submerged under water, Brexit will be complete’.

Image: PBarlowArt/Pixabay