Warm bank robbery leaves four shivering

A warm bank in Crewe was raided yesterday lunchtime. The robber got away with three degrees and a defrosted fishfinger. The heat say they are on the lookout for a villainous elderly lady appearing snug, or possibly a cat.

Chief Inspector Frank Thermometer of South Cheshire Heat said, 'The families of all those who have been left a bit chilly have been informed, and we're calling in a specialist officer from Warmingham to cool down the situation.

'This is a concerning development. We don't have the budget to deal with this new sort of high tech crime. Our concern is that there may be copycat heists, and we just don't have the resources to provide blanket coverage.

'At this time, we are pursuing a lead connected to an establishment in the area which we have learned is known as a "Hot L".

'Our advice to warm banks is to keep your warmth locked in a safe, or if you don't have one, some sort of secure box.

'The public should remain calm, mostly because we can't tell the difference between people shaking with fear or shivering from cold.'

'Right, I'm off back to my lovely toastie station for a special measure.'

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Hat tip to myke

I chose not to consult householder and will pay 1% proceeds in compensation, says burglar

A burglar in Hull has admitted that he broke the law when robbing a local household, and now thinks that he can sail away with it if he offers his victims a small fraction of the loot back, it has emerged.

"I hold my hands up" said Peter Pebbledash, when police pointed a gun at him, "I chose not to consult the householders beforehand, as there is no way they would have agreed to me entering their home, ripping their TV off the wall, and making off with it plus sundry items of jewellery and the kids' Playstations. What else could I have done?"

"But in recognition of the fact that my actions were undoubtedly illegal, I am happy to comply fully with the legal penalties for my actions, by which I mean give them the £50 I got their DVD collection."

Mr Pebbledash, who police suspect is also responsible for similar offences in Southampton and Liverpool, was then heard protesting loudly and making waves. "My citizenship is registered in Bermuda, you can't arrest me in the UK" as he was led off to cells pending formal charging.

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