Wind force now to be measured in bin movement

The Beaufort Scale is considered to be outdated, given that any discussion of gales is based on their impact on your garden. The new scale will range from 'George, did you move the bin last night?' to 'Oh my God, Margaret, the recycling is in the neighbour's pond'.

Storms will only be confirmed if your patio furniture has been upended. A moderate breeze will be indicated by how many crisp packets are stuck in your hedge, whereas hurricanes will be replaced with 'Where the f$ck is the garden gnome?'.

One scientist confirmed: 'The Met Office will only be giving accurate weather warnings once a week, given that the bins just go out on a Thursday.'

Man who received first pair of slippers for Christmas still refusing to come out of bedroom

A 43 year old Bridgnorth man who received his first pair of slippers as a Christmas Day present from one of his boys is said to be ‘devastated’ and is still refusing to come out of his bedroom.

Jason Beesley, a maintenance engineer and father of three, is said to have taken refuge in his bedroom just seconds after opening the gift on Christmas morning.

Jason, who is proud of the fact he always knows what is No1 in the record charts and can name all of the Spicegirls, took to his room after opening the box of twin gusset slip-ons.

‘It hit dad quite hard. He started sobbing as soon as he took off the wrapping paper,’ said son Nathan. ‘We normally get him a new tool box or grooming accessories for his beard, but this year we felt it was time for either the slippers or a cardigan. I realise a gift like that can have a devastating effect on confidence and self esteem but in the long run it’s for his own good.

'He hasn’t left his bedroom since Christmas morning. We have to leave food outside his bedroom door. He is refusing to speak and will only communicate using emojis.

'Yes, it hurts right now, but in time I’m sure he will come round and thank us for it’.

Pile of rubbish on roundabout set to close

Doncaster council has announced the closure of a small pile of rubbish next week, due to no one realising that it was a tourist attraction. The pile, which consisted, in part, of a fridge, a car tyre and an old 'Police Aware' sign, was situated on a roundabout near the town's celebrated ring road.

"Almost everyone uses the ring road to avoid the town." said one councillor, "so we were surprised that so few took advantage of our spectacular 'Rubbish of Doncaster' attraction".

The exhibit, which was designed to increase awareness of fridges, car tyres and old 'Police Aware' signs, drew very little criticism from locals. Locals, however, also released a statement saying they would have definitely criticised it a lot, had they been aware that it actually existed.

The architects of the pile made no comment, other than to say they were very busy working on a new upturned shopping trolley in a canal exhibit.

Image: Pixabay/Emphyrio

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