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Rishi reveals his masterplan


Following the press statement by the Prime Minister the inevitable questions have been circulating.  When are they going?  When is HE going?  What airline is foolish enough to take Rishi's money?



We are going to answer all of these questions and more.  Unbeknownst to the general public the Prime Minister has avoided the potential embarrassment of failing to find an airline willing to risk its reputation by flying the refugees by dipping into his small change piggy bank and has bought British Airways.  He did consider buying RyanAir, but felt that was a low blow, even for refugees.



To avoid the problems with getting staff to fly the plane the Prime Minister has been learning to fly, mainly by cadging front row seats from Tory donors and by playing Flight Simulator on his X Box.  His first choice had been to train Liz Truss, but she only seemed capable of crashing things. 



The three hundred or so trained staff are actually all Tory MPs - predominantly those forecast to lose their seats once Sunak calls the election.  The motivation is that the nastiest MP on the flight will be promised the safest seat come the election, so unfortunately, we might not have seen the back of Gullis.



Finally, in answer to the continued questioning whenever Sunak claims the Rwanda flights are the 'will of the people', which has confused many pundits.  The people it is the will of are the people sat behind him in the House of Commons.  As most of them are forming the security detail they will still be sat behind him, all the way to Rwanda.  Here's hoping he's as inept at fuelling an aircraft as he was with a Kia.


Boomerang Airways to fly asylum seekers to Rwanda



The government has awarded the contract to fly asylum seekers to Rwanda to a new airline called Boomerang Airways.


A spokesman for Boomerang Airways said that the company was pleased to win the work and that they were sure that they could provide a service that almost everyone would be happy with.


The outline of the service is as follows. Boomerang Airways will offer travel in third class only. Passengers would not be able to bring any hand baggage, other than a parachute, if they have one. They would not be able to choose their seats. In flight catering would be provided on all journeys exceeding 24 hours. In flight entertainment would be basic – passengers would be offered options including thumb-twiddling and humming (not to exceed 30 decibels). Plans to offer charades had been blocked by the Home Office, which felt that this would offer the red tops an easy headline. The company has no plans to offer a frequent flyer programme.


In the event of a landing at sea (a crash), the plane will be equipped with a number of small boats and some inflatable globes, just like the ones used by Michael Palin.


Boomerang Airways has currently leased one plane, an ex-Malaysian Air Force Dart Herald, from an aviation museum in Kazakhstan. The plane is currently going through safety checks and will be airworthy once the problem with the toilet has been sorted out and the wings re-attached.


When asked if anyone at Boomerang Airways drank in the same pub as Michael Gove, the company declined to comment.




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