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Office workers ascend tower in Taipei


Some 200 office workers ascended one of the world’s tallest skyscrapers yesterday, just as they have done every weekday for the last 10 years of so. They made the ascent without ropes or the use of supplementary oxygen, and took the difficult interior route using a combination of stairs and elevators to make it to the 1,667ft summit of Taipei 101, one of the tallest buildings in Asia. Observers say they looked for the most part relaxed, almost disinterested.


The group faced a number of challenges along the way, among them a nasty paper jam on one of the printers on floor 16 and a leaking watercooler outside the meeting room on floor 50. Some of the party were also distracted by a tee-shirted figure climbing the outside of the building in what was presumed to be some sort of promotional stunt.


One of the first to arrive at his desk was Wei Liang who told reporters: ‘To be honest the main fear we faced was boredom. It’s a hurdle we face every day. I’ve worked in the tower for 15 years and it doesn’t get any easier. I’m in insurance. Need I say more?’


Meanwhile, when the t-shirted guy reached the summit he was met by security who gave him a damp cloth and said: ‘You missed some bird shit on the 48th floor. Back you go.’




WHO wards off Ukraine invasion with brilliant Covid-based peace plan



All Russian military personnel planning to cross into Ukraine must show proof of a negative PCR test taken no more than 72 hours before entry,” said a WHO spokesman, officiously, on the steps of the organisation’s Geneva headquarters.


“Failure to do so will result in denial of entry, and heavy fines.


“In addition to this, all weapons of war must be thoroughly disinfected with approved brands of alcohol wipes. Friends and relations of Matt Hancock will be on hand at the borders to sell you these at a very reasonable price.


“We are hoping that most members of Russia’s 100,000-strong invasion force will listen to our tedious and dreary regulations, say: ‘Sod it, I didn’t want to go to Ukraine anyway - it’s a stupid place,’ and promptly desert.


“Russian troops must respect social distancing rules and remain at least two metres apart from enemy combatants," continued the official.


"That means no slaughtering using bayonets - which rather takes the fun out of it, doesn’t it, Ivan? Are you sure you want to invade?


“Military personnel will also be forbidden from gathering in groups of more than six for the purposes of ransacking villages, committing gang rapes or getting drunk on the local vodka.


“Unless you’re a high-ranking politician, of course. Then, you can gather with your all cronies in the back garden of a government mansion and throw as many wild parties as you like. Just have a quiet word with the local police chief afterwards. She’ll hush it up for you.”




First published 1 Feb 2022


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