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Driverless taxis to be trained in misogyny


News that driverless taxis are to be rolled out in the UK from September has met with concern from white van men and bus drivers that they might be the only true misogynists left on our roads.


‘It’s traditional, innit’ said Dave, a white van driver from Essex. ‘As much as I love cheering up the ladies with a cheery comment as I drive past, it won’t be the same if the taxis don’t honk their horns or shout something to, you know, reinforce the message’.


AI firms have been training driverless taxis in casual misogyny for months but admit that it’s a challenge.


‘One of our taxis shouted something inappropriate at an elderly woman’, a spokesman told us. ‘ She seemed pleased, to be honest, but it’s letting the side down. Even with advances in artificial intelligence, the concept of “munter” is surprisingly difficult to program’.


Driverless taxis will make the roads safer by taking actual taxi drivers off them.


Women’s groups have criticised the idea of training robots to abuse them in the street. Well they would, wouldn’t they? Probably lesbians or summat.



Man in shock after his conservatory defects to Reform


“I can’t believe it,” said Terry Marsden, a 44-year-old wellness plasterer from Dagenham. “I came downstairs this morning and made myself the first cuppa of the day in the kitchen. I opened up the bifolds to the conservatory, sat down with the paper, and realised there was no roof. Worse than that, it was tanking down with rain. I looked up and realised the conservatory had completely gone — and I mean completely. All 4.0 x 5.5 m of it, including the responsibly sourced timber and 28 mm double glazing.


All I found was a note saying it had defected to Reform. If you ask me, it’s gone mental and I’m well rid of it.”



A Reform UK spokesfuhrer denied the conservatory was a waste of space. "Several lavatories have already defected and we welcome a senior conservatory to the ranks. This is exactly the kind of experience we need, together with fully insulated sandwich panels, if we are going to run the country."



The ICE Barbie School of Creative Excuses


Can't think up a good excuse for missing work a second day running? Or for rolling home drunk on your anniversary without a gift for your wife and with lipstick on your collar?


You need to sign up at the ICE Barbie School of Creative Excuses.


This is the woman who stunned the world by saying that Minnesota mum Renee Good, who was shot by ICE agents while driving away in her car, was a domestic terrorist trying to run them over.


ICE Barbie, aka Kristi Noem, then went one better by saying that ICU nurse Alex Pretti, who was shot several times on the ground by Border Patrol agents, was on the verge of killing them all with his phone and a gun still in its holster. And, naturally, she called the slain man a domestic terrorist.


"Our policy with domestic terrorists," Barbie told the press, "is to shoot first and think up vile excuses after."


"The greatest excuse of all," gushed a current student at the ICE Barbie School, "was her excuse for making all these outrageous excuses. She said Trump and his henchman Stephen Miller had told her to say them.


"Barbie's like a cockroach," the student continued to gush. "She is utterly incompetent and thick but her ability to tell jaw-dropping lies to keep herself out of trouble makes her indestructible."


The student in question, one Kemi Badenoch from London, had enrolled at the ICE Barbie School to learn how to explain away the defection of 23 current and former Conservative MPs to Reform UK.



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