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Retired Colonel hides erection with copy of Daily Telegraph as Nigella joins Bake Off


A BBC spokes-cake said 'Prue Leith has defected, presumably to join Reform, so set your oven to gas mark phwoar, we've got Nigella Lawson as her replacement. We wanted another woman with impeccably Tory-adjacent credentials to judge what is essentially a village fete gone rogue. Nigella's contract says she must pronounce the word microwave differently in every episode. More tea, vicar?'


One retired Colonel coughed awkwardly and made a noise like an uneasy horse before braying 'Will Nigella be covering herself in lashings of butter cream every week? Whipping her meringues into stiff peaks? She makes my gingerbread snap... to attention that is. Ohhhh - nurse, it's happened again - a soggy bottom.'


He continued 'Mind you, if it came to it, I'd probably give Paul Hollywood a firm... err... handshake.'



Delay In Publishing Gray Report Just A Short Pause, While Hell Freezes Over


There have been calls from the Conservative back benches for an enquiry into why it the Met so long to initiate an investigation into the long delay in anyone calling for a report into the reasons why Her Majesty's Opposition have been so slow in demanding a Civil-Service-led enquiry into the hesitation by the police to investigate the long hold-up in the publication of the result of a study by any official of the reasons why any investigation of the appropriateness of appointing Sue Gray as the civil servant to carry out her eponymous report was a legitimate course of action by the prime minister.


There has been no confirmation of reports that attendees of a series of strictly-business-only Downing St. meeting to discuss the progress of investigations into these delays played dance music, wore paper hats and were served alcoholic drinks, things-on-cocktail-sticks, sausage rolls, biscuits and even - wait for it - celebratory cake.




First published 29 Jan 2022


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