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Trump signs up fellow warmongers to the Bored of Peace


"I've made a billion dollars off the backs of everyone around me, I've conquered Greenbackland for America, and I am the proud holder of someone else's Nobel Prize," gloated Trump.


"But I'm not a great war leader yet, and I deserve to be," he said, watching his minions beat ploughshares into swords and fuel up 500 Minuteman nuclear missiles.


"That why I'm going to start World War Three right away, alongside everyone else in my great new Bored of Peace group.


"I've got some truly bloodthirsty guys signed up already, who all think the past 80 years of peace have been crashingly dull. They're my fellow tyrants in Russia, Saudi Arabia and Belarus.


"For some reason, all the snowflake liberal democracies of Europe don't want to join. But Putin, Lukashenko, MBS and I can't wait to send millions of kids to their deaths from our reviewing stands and then award ourselves a whole load of bogus medals. The only question is who we're going to pick on.


"I wish I could be going with you," lied Trump, addressing terrified conscripts over the radio from the safety of a nuclear bunker.


"But I can't, because I've got these pesky bone spurs in my chicken feet and my tummy's feeling very yellow."



Trump claims to have ended five winters


President Trump has claimed that he has "ended 5 winters in just 5 years" in a social media post with the title "the president of summer".


His latest addition to his list of winters "ended" is the months-long chill between 2025 and 2026.


The other four were between 2017 and 2021, in his first term as president.


A number of these winters were unusually mild, due to global warming which Trump denies - and one of them had little in the way of cold to end.


It is also unclear whether some of the recent mild temperatures will last.


He has publicly stated that he should be awarded the Nobel Prize for Nice Weather. However, his chances may have been badly impacted by the recent chilling atmosphere over Greenland.



Andy Burnham explains why he hates being Mayor


Andy Burnham resigned in 2017 as MP for Leigh, a constituency of 77,000, in order to be elected as Mayor of Manchester.  His reasons were a) that he hated being an opposition MP where he couldn’t do anything b) I’m bigger than this, and c) the constituency was going to be abolished, which it duly was, in 2024.  Good call, Andy.



Andy was elected Mayor of Manchester in 2017, and re-elected in 2021, and elected for a third time in May 2024, shortly before the General Election that year.  He said that he could ‘get more done’ as a mayor than he could as an MP in Westminster, and that representing 2.1m people was loads better than representing a measly 77,000.



An insider told us, ‘Yeah, Andy didn’t reckon Keir had a chance at the General Election – all that guff about change, but no actual policies - so the mayor’s job was a safe haven.  He knew the patch, most people liked him and didn’t hassle him, and the money was good.  And it was fun to snipe at Keir and the PLP.’


Fast-forward to January 2026, and Andy seems to have decided that he could get more done as a Westminster MP than he could as Mayor of Manchester.  Insiders say that he’s become very tired of negotiating the fault lines between supporters of City and United, and that his inbox was overloaded given the size of his constituency.  Also, being a mayor is a dead end job – not much chance of promotion.  And after eight and a half years he’s done all he’s going to do.


Andy is pitching to be MP for Gorton and Denton because a) that he hated being in a job where he could do anything b) I’m bigger than this, and c) the constituency is a very safe Labour seat with a majority of over 13,000.  Good call, Andy.


An insider told us, ‘Yeah, Andy didn’t reckon Keir had a chance at staying on as PM – all that guff about difficult decisions, all those U-turns, all that embarrassing arse licking with Trump.  Andy’s heart wasn’t really in the mayor’s job any more – no prospects at all.  So, he wants to go back to Westminister, representing 74,000 people this time, because he knows the patch, most people liked him and didn’t hassle him, and the money is good.  Especially if you can get a ministerial post.  And there’s the expenses.  And the second homes.  And so on.  And it’ll still be fun to snipe at Keir and the PLP, and wind everyone up about a leadership election.  Happy days.’


Postscript: Seems like the PLP didn’t get the memo. Never mind Andy. Maybe representing 2.1 million Mancunians is better after all? No point in wasting a safe seat on you. You can show your mettle in 2029 by winning a really difficult seat.  Maybe Clacton?



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