Investment firm advising footballers was 'winging it'

A group of former Premier League footballers say that they have lost tens of millions of pounds because of poor financial advice.

The footballers were advised by the Norton Briggs Group in the 1990s and 2000s.  The players lost amounts between one and forty-two million pounds each, although fortunately these losses can be offset against other profits for tax purposes.

We managed to corner Art Daly and Barry Lovejoy, who ran NBG.  They deny any wrongdoing and say that they were always on the ball. They told us: ‘At all times, NBG advised the footballers in good faith and set out the risks and opportunities both before and after any investment was agreed.  We back our advice 110% - front and centre.  We definitely expected to make a net profit.  We are surprised that our clients are now facing penalties.'

One footballer told us, ‘I wish we’d invested in bogus shares, or imaginary gold mines, or pretend vintage wines or NFTs or even the NFT, or dodgy real estate.  Any of those would have been a better story.  I don’t get any bragging rights from telling people that millions of pounds of my money was wasted on investments in top British football clubs, and that I got bugger all back.’

Image credit: perchance.org

Con artist to exhibit major series of collages

A new attraction, due to open at the Tate Modern in August, features the work of artist, Dick Scratcher, who specialises in collages of newspaper headlines and speeches from disreputable politicians. Mr Scratcher describes himself as a con artist, since he works through the medium of con tricks played on the public by politicians.

Among the works on display, will be 'Big Society', a montage of the Cameron years when the public was told the nation is all in the shit together, without explaining how the privileged would prosper beyond their wildest dreams; 'Brexitmania', a retrospective of the myriad promises that leaving the EU would definitely bring; and 'Never Give a Sucker an Even Break', a work showing the history of how NHS PPE supplies were deliberately run down, so a cabal of criminals could scam the nation out of billions of pounds with unusable protective equipment.

The Tate Modern is offering the public the chance to suggest a creative name for the exhibition, with entries closing on June 30, and says it is hoping for more inventive suggestions than 'Tory Scum', which is the best the curators could come up with themselves. A full list of exhibits, with a description of what they represent, will be published in due course.

Picture credit: deep dream generator

Ventnor man buys Oldham Athletic, WH Smith and Gregg Wallace

A BBC investigation has found that a Ventnor man was tricked into buying a football club, a high street retailer and a discredited celebrity by an unscrupulous estate agent.

He expected to use his life savings as a deposit on a two bed roomed former council house in Ventnor, but got more than he bargained for.

Colin Stale, 57, says that he was taken advantage of.  ‘The estate agent was keen to sell me the house.  And a mortgage.  And home insurance.  And a full survey.  And rentcharge indemnity insurance.  And a timeshare in Nigeria.  And Chancel Repair Insurance.  And a leasehold staircase in Grenfell Tower.  He was very persuasive.

‘At the completion stage I signed all the papers like the estate agent said.  It was only later that I discovered that I’d bought Oldham Athletic on hire-purchase, four branches of WH Smith, and a twelve percent interest in Gregg Wallace.  It also turned out that I’d signed a non-disclosure agreement and that I’d admitted to kidnapping and eating Shergar.

‘That estate agent is a cheeky wotsit.  He contacted me later and asked if I had any money left over to buy Waterloo Bridge and a collection of Jeffrey Epstein memorabilia. I was tempted, but I said no. The payments on Oldham Athletic are using up most of my pension already.’

The estate agent is not giving any interviews, but has provided a written statement saying that all his business dealings are regulated by the Imaginary Finance Council and the Financial Standards Board of Narnia, and that it was caveat emptor, it wasn’t him, and he wasn’t there.  He did say that, if we were interested, he could offer a really nice one-time-only deal on a two-up, two-down slightly used nuclear power station in Cumbria – a fixer-upper, apparently.

Image: Maikiua - Pixabay

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