List of ‘Well-being’ scams doesn’t include Well-Being

In excess of £9bn is scammed each year by exploiting people’s mental health, but oddly this does not include getting a coffee enema while listening to Gwyneth Paltrow’s vagina make the sound of whale song.

Said one conman: ‘I recently targeted a bereaved widow with a phishing scam, but she was instantly suspicious. That was until I offered her a deep tissue massage with a stress dog, then she gave me her bank details and front door key without batting an eyelid’.

Vulnerable adults will get naked in front of a stranger, just on the spurious offer of a face mask made from jojoba and panda poop. They will happily pay a fortune for any promise of meditation, provided it involves a dolphin cardio and yoga with a family of meerkats.

The Government warned: ‘If you are stressed about being scammed, then please ring our hot line, where you can listen to the sax solo from ‘Baker Street’ and order a scented candle shaped like Greta Thunberg’.

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www.newsbiscuit.com

First published 19 Oct 2021

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Doctors warn against listening to Trump while pregnant

Doctors have warned pregnant women not to listen to Donald Trump, as doing so could harm their unborn child.

'Stress and depression during pregnancy can negatively impact on the foetus' said Dr Jane Jones of the New England College of Actual Medicine As Opposed To Speculative Bullshit, 'and there is no surer route to stress and depression than hearing Trump speak and realising this is one of the most powerful people in the world.'

Medical authorities later amended the advice to add that Trump should not be listened to by non-pregnant women, or by men, or indeed anyone ever. They also recommended 'relocating out of the USA to somewhere far away where you'll never hear about him, I don't know, somewhere remote like Greenland.'

Image: Newsbiscuit Archive

Investment firm advising footballers was 'winging it'

A group of former Premier League footballers say that they have lost tens of millions of pounds because of poor financial advice.

The footballers were advised by the Norton Briggs Group in the 1990s and 2000s.  The players lost amounts between one and forty-two million pounds each, although fortunately these losses can be offset against other profits for tax purposes.

We managed to corner Art Daly and Barry Lovejoy, who ran NBG.  They deny any wrongdoing and say that they were always on the ball. They told us: ‘At all times, NBG advised the footballers in good faith and set out the risks and opportunities both before and after any investment was agreed.  We back our advice 110% - front and centre.  We definitely expected to make a net profit.  We are surprised that our clients are now facing penalties.'

One footballer told us, ‘I wish we’d invested in bogus shares, or imaginary gold mines, or pretend vintage wines or NFTs or even the NFT, or dodgy real estate.  Any of those would have been a better story.  I don’t get any bragging rights from telling people that millions of pounds of my money was wasted on investments in top British football clubs, and that I got bugger all back.’

Image credit: perchance.org