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Covid excited about first day at new school


With the Xmas Hols coming to an end, kids up and down the country are looking forward to exchanging variants of their favourite diseases. Equally, teachers can expect to have their classroom turn into a petri dish and their scheme of work to transform into a diary of hospital appointments.


Although masks will be worn in class, Covid itself will scampering through the air, like a syphillitic Aled Jones. By the end of the first day it will have circulated faster than the rumour that someone in the Sixth Form is pregnant.


Asked if it was ready for the school safety measures, Covid replied: 'Looks like I'm the only one who has done their homework'




Weighing school kids will tell us if they are carrying knives


Under the guise of monitoring student obesity, the Government are sneakily testing to see if children are smuggling in guns in their socks. Said a teacher: ‘It’s very humane. We get them to sit on an industrial scale and a klaxon goes off if they’re a fatty. A trap door then opens and a horde of Oompah Loompas carry them off to be strip searched’.


Explained one Headmistress: ‘We caught one lad claiming his suspicious bulges were the result of puberty, but his trousers revealed a cosh and two dangling grenades. We’ve had lunchboxes stuffed with submachine guns and one girl had nunchucks concealed in her alice band.


‘We can also weigh them to see if they are carrying drugs. We had one six year old who had put on two stone overnight, due to an enormous stash of cocaine in his rectum. Of course, not every fat kid is packing weapons, some are the weapons. Have you ever seen a Sumo wrestler sit on someone to death?’


Explained one Schools Minister: 'We're naturally suspicious of any child that puts on weight, God knows we're not feeding them'. Asked if was possible that extra weight was a text book, he replied: 'Don't make me laugh. We banned them before we banned knives’.







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