Space sh*t, confirms NASA

The National Aeronautics and Space Administration has confirmed that space is total wank.

'For decades, we at NASA have been deceiving everyone,' admitted Head of Making Space Seem Sexy, Sarah Spelman. 'Naive adults, and children who like making space rockets out of toilet roll tubes and foil, they think it's all buggering about in zero gravity and squirting cola globules into each others' mouths.

'But anyone who knows what it's really like up there understands it's pretty much an endless tedium, intermixed with attempting to avoid the gazillion different and terrifying ways space is trying to end you horrifically. Let me tell you, space is a complete c*nt.

'Don't get me wrong, there's some pretty extraordinary stuff out there in between all of the space, but it's all so ludicrously far away, no human will ever get to visit it in person. Well, not in anything we build. I mean, keep watching sci-fi films and playing with space Lego, but do that in an environment which doesn't suck the life out of you if you haven't shut the door properly.

'All these cool, heroic men and women who go up into space? Yeah, that's a sort of a screwy Catch 22. If you're mad enough to want to go into space, then we definitely let you go. Perfect place for those nuts billionaires to take themselves off to permanently, if you ask me.

'Space f*cks with your mind, wrecks your body, and you can't wait to get back to this lovely planet - the only place in the cosmos which isn't pant-wettingly lethal. We pretty much just send robots up there now. Landing washing machines on fast-moving comets; remote controlled buggies zipping about all over Mars... next we're going to put up a robo-giraffe ice skating majestically round the rings of Saturn. It won't unlock any secrets of the universe, but it will flummox sodding aliens. And that's what it's all about really, isn't it?'

PM will put 'Having the same problems' into manifesto

A strange fellow (not featured) without a mandate but who still insists he is definitely Prime Minister has pledged to keep having the same problems, not only for 2023, but put it into the Conservative manifesto for the next election.

'I can promise today that we will carry on the same series of disastrous policies and decisions for the rest of this parliament which will continue until at least 2025. Not only that, if elected we will introduce a Department of Ineptness (the DoE), that will examine all government polices to make sure that we maintain a level of incompetence around 4 or 5 Graylings out of 10. Any higher than that means that we've tried to physically replace planes with trains and we're really in trouble.'

Politics a load of old goat's c*ck, confess Conservative politicians

Running the country is utter pants. So say the last five prime ministers.

'I thought it was going to be constant corruption, endless hobnobbing at exclusive balls, and a festival of sick sexual perversions,' said a recent former prime minister everyone has already forgotten the name of. No, not that one, the other one. 'But it was only about 93% that, and then there was other boring stuff which kept cropping up. National emergencies aren't really my bag,' added another talentless moron who also shirked their leadership responsibilities.'

'Frankly, this governmenting lark gets tedious after a few days. And pesky investigative journalists keep pointing out that you're not supposed to keep all the trappings of high office for yourself. Where's the chortle with chums in that?'

'Look, the bit where you get to dick about with the laws, that's a snigger and everything. But then some total square comes along in his silly judge wig and says that you're not allowed to break all of the laws you just made up. When did that become a thing?'

'I tell you, that Sir Keir Starmer Labour chappy is a crafty one. He sort of makes out like he wants to be PM, but he is so clever at ensuring there's no chance he'll get anywhere near the job. We're naffing stuck with it forever now, and no one in the Conservative Party wants to do it properly. Shall we just shut down the whole show and all move to Greece?'