Coffee Is Most Recent Brown Liquid To Be Subject Of A Report

Following on from last week’s tea report from Leicester University showing it was too warm to sit in, and the previous month’s report on cola from Bristol University, coffee has seen a report published today by The Journal of The Hum Drum, which suggests it’s equally brown whether iced or hot.

The caffeine was also shown to be the same as it always has been. We expect that, sometime in the next six weeks, a report on Dr Pepper causing people to swallow when they drink it will be released soon.

Story: classicqueen

No policies announced today

The government has announced no new policies today, extending the political drought to 72 hours.

Expert commentators say that the government is leaving a dangerous policy vacuum that will just suck in loony policies from Reform or stupid ideas from TikTok.

'The policy vacuum does real economic damage,' said one freelance journo. 'I need new policies to write about, dissect, argue about, and write air-headed vox pops about. No policies, no paychecks for me.

'The government could easily boost the economy right now, just by announcing some new policy ideas. They don't have to be credible, actionable or sensible Just something we can all write about.'

A government PRsole said, 'It's silly season. Journalists are perfectly able to make up so-called news stories on their own. Anyway, there's always more nonsense coming from Trump, so we suggest that they write about that.'

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Best jokes of the Fringe 2026

The Edinburgh Fringe is happening again, as we speak.  If you have a show there, then good luck and break a leg. Later this month the Fringe will announce its top ten jokes. 

In the spirit of friendly competition, we are offering up our own ‘Best jokes of Newsbiscuit’.   These have been selected by our own entirely biased and largely imaginary editorial committee, and culled from our Headlines.  We’d have stuck to ten, but counting isn’t our strongest suit.

The author credits are included in case anyone out there has a big contract that they need signing, but didn’t find what they wanted at the Fringe…

Best jokes of Newsbiscuit 2026*

Anaesthetist cancels dinner party as he has people coming round (Modelmaker)

Another bitterly disappointing Reading Festival, says librarian (dominic_mcg)

Are transparent urns the future? Remains to be seen (Doctor Chutney)

"Call The Midwife" film announcement premature, says BBC (dominic_mcg)

Drought latest: water companies to impose shower cap (deskpilot)

Druids "dreading" moving Stonehenge when clocks go back (apepper)

Girlfriend unimpressed with spa weekend at convenience store (deskpilot)

Grubby teenager misunderstands instruction to wash at 30 (deskpilot)

Knife incident at private school: pupil arrested after using the wrong one for fish (deskpilot)

Onanist stays in bed all day on Palm Sunday (Lockjaw)

Pope tested as neighbour buys devastatingly attractive ox (apepper)

Prince Harry: I'm looking forward to reading my new book (deskpilot)

Prisoner with premature-ejaculation qualifies for Early Release Scheme (jim skinz)

Samaritans not happy with Christmas Jumper day (deskpilot)

Strippers strike: no end in sight (deskpilot)

* probably..., so far....

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