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KLF sound cash inferno alarm as government sends entire UK economy up in smoke


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British electronic band KLF have criticised Liz Truss and Kwasi Kwarteng for torching the UK’s higher tax brackets.


A raging electronic statement from KLF with red hot keynotes lit the place up: 'It certainly looked like Kwasi Kwarteng was all bound for mu-mu land during the Queen’s funeral, but we suppose that balances out Liz Truss having the charisma, oratorical style and cold dead expression of a Dalek. Exterminate! The Tories are more fiscally irresponsible than setting fire to a million pounds. Take it from the justified and ancient ones.’


Economic expert Piotr Polkowski said, ‘It was only a combination of Boris Johnson’s era-defining levels of self-absorption and his inability to stop humping things, that prevented the Tory Government from unleashing such truly unnecessary economic suffering sooner. All aboard the last train to Transcentral. If you can still afford a ticket. Which you can't.’



Hat tip to sirlupus



First published 29 Sep 2022


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Drink yourself thin!

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Scientists, nutritionists and your mum have all noticed the same thing - food makes you fat.  'There's no doubt about it,' said a senior nutritionist today, 'every study over the last half Century has pointed to food being linked to obesity'.  Doctors agree, the idea that someone could eat themselves thin is 'nonsense' and 'highly misleading', according to many studies.   Proponents of the concept reluctantly agree that eating is linked in some way to obesity.


Researchers have noted that whisky and other spirits are carbohydrate free.  'A bottle of whisky is enough to fuel the average male for a day, will aid sleep and will wash harmless amounts of snacks down easily.  You never see a fat drunk, apart from that uncle everyone avoids talking about,' said a reseacher reaching for a bottle.  'And whisky drinking is associated with vigorous exercise,' he added, 'according to the study sponsor, Johnny Walker.




Keir Starmer to take smoking lessons in bid for power

Number 10 have confirmed that the Prime Minister is to take up smoking and being photographed with pints. Smoking teacher Curt Stephens, who coached the cast of Peaky Blinders in cinematic smoking techniques has been engaged by the Labour Party.


‘People think smoking is easy. I suppose it is, if you started young, like Nigel. Late adopters need to train hard, develop their technique, work towards a personal style. It’s the same with beer – you can tell when somebody secretly hates the stuff. If Keir wants power he’s just gonna have to do the work’.


Other moves to boost the PM’s popularity include artificial face leathering, a controversial cosmetic treatment which makes the person’s face look like an old leather sofa.


Mr Starmer has been taking speech lessons for many years without noticeable improvement to his voice, which still makes him sound like a librarian pleading with a mugger. Now he has to master new inflections and catchphrases, including “No, no, no!” (with a chuckle) and “Boring!” whenever he’s asked a really incisive question.


Party insiders are sceptical about the plan, which No 10 has named Operation Mincemeat after the famous WW2 operation where a dead tramp was disguised as a dead officer to fool the Germans.


‘It isn’t just Keir’, an MP told us. ‘Angela’s having elocution lessons, though that’s not going so well – she chinned her teacher this morning. She’s trying, though – she’s been walking round the office with a book on her head all day, reciting “How now you f*cking cow”.


The change in leadership style follows poll results which show that a majority of Britons would prefer a cross between Genghis Khan and Hugh Grant as PM, though they would settle for Nigel Farage - a cross between Adolf Hitler and Benny Hill.




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