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Drink yourself thin!

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Scientists, nutritionists and your mum have all noticed the same thing - food makes you fat.  'There's no doubt about it,' said a senior nutritionist today, 'every study over the last half Century has pointed to food being linked to obesity'.  Doctors agree, the idea that someone could eat themselves thin is 'nonsense' and 'highly misleading', according to many studies.   Proponents of the concept reluctantly agree that eating is linked in some way to obesity.


Researchers have noted that whisky and other spirits are carbohydrate free.  'A bottle of whisky is enough to fuel the average male for a day, will aid sleep and will wash harmless amounts of snacks down easily.  You never see a fat drunk, apart from that uncle everyone avoids talking about,' said a reseacher reaching for a bottle.  'And whisky drinking is associated with vigorous exercise,' he added, 'according to the study sponsor, Johnny Walker.




Keir Starmer to take smoking lessons in bid for power

Number 10 have confirmed that the Prime Minister is to take up smoking and being photographed with pints. Smoking teacher Curt Stephens, who coached the cast of Peaky Blinders in cinematic smoking techniques has been engaged by the Labour Party.


‘People think smoking is easy. I suppose it is, if you started young, like Nigel. Late adopters need to train hard, develop their technique, work towards a personal style. It’s the same with beer – you can tell when somebody secretly hates the stuff. If Keir wants power he’s just gonna have to do the work’.


Other moves to boost the PM’s popularity include artificial face leathering, a controversial cosmetic treatment which makes the person’s face look like an old leather sofa.


Mr Starmer has been taking speech lessons for many years without noticeable improvement to his voice, which still makes him sound like a librarian pleading with a mugger. Now he has to master new inflections and catchphrases, including “No, no, no!” (with a chuckle) and “Boring!” whenever he’s asked a really incisive question.


Party insiders are sceptical about the plan, which No 10 has named Operation Mincemeat after the famous WW2 operation where a dead tramp was disguised as a dead officer to fool the Germans.


‘It isn’t just Keir’, an MP told us. ‘Angela’s having elocution lessons, though that’s not going so well – she chinned her teacher this morning. She’s trying, though – she’s been walking round the office with a book on her head all day, reciting “How now you f*cking cow”.


The change in leadership style follows poll results which show that a majority of Britons would prefer a cross between Genghis Khan and Hugh Grant as PM, though they would settle for Nigel Farage - a cross between Adolf Hitler and Benny Hill.




Next Pope to be chosen by Simon Cowell


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The smoke from the Vatican is normally from all the burning records that the previous Pope was trying to cover up. The real selection is by a 'Conclave', which is Latin for Variety Show.


Traditionally the Pope was chosen by doves, or painted pigeons if cheaper. The candidates would cover themselves in breadcrumbs and then the doves would shit on their favourite. Finally the doves would be released, having pecked to death the losers.


In these enlightened times, each wannabe Pope has to say how they would bring about world peace, while been ogled by a bunch of lecherous old men. The exhaustive process will culminate in a Cardinal sing-off and swimwear round. The winner gets to be in any boy band they want and any choir boy they fancy.


image from pixabay

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