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Having more words for snow will prevent global warming, says Trump


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Donald Trump is running on a Make America Cold Again platform in 2024, after his research has found a correlation between the number of words for snow and climate change. "Fact: the North Pole is cold because they have 21 words for snow there", he says, pointing to Antarctica on the map. "America is getting warmer because it has only one".


"Canada is a bit better than us", he continues. "It has two words - snow and what is it, neige? - so it's a bit colder. Hell, we can at least catch up with Canada". He will advise the UN Convention on Climate Change to set a target of 15 words for snow by 2030.


However, an Inuit spokesman says Mr Trump has it all wrong. "The reason we have so many words for snow is because our favourite book is Roget's Thesaurus", he reveals. "There's a copy in every igloo around here". He describes the former president's theory as "ridiculous, ludicrous, contemptible, risible, preposterous".




Look over there! It’s snowing!



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Never mind how horrible the world is, it’s about to start snowing. This means it is a good time to bury bad news – literally bury it, under the snow.


Tory intern Henry Hootington-Hurst said ‘The callous cruelty of the Tory “Stop the boats” campaign? Forget about it. Gary Grimthwaite from some red wall seat up north has built a funny snowman. Here’s a picture of it. Look at the picture and do not look at your smart meter because you can’t afford to heat your home. Is it snowing where you are? Why not build some ice blocks and call it an igloo. It’s snows more in Scotland because of SNP failures.’


Snowman construction artiste Gary Grimthwaite said ‘I once rented a pedalo on holiday. Waste of money! I agree, stop the boats and restrict my right to protest while you're at it.’




BBC admits to losing some news


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A BBC spokesman has admitted that some news items may have become 'lost'. 'We had them, on a piece of paper on a desk somewhere, but we just can't find them,' he said.


The spokesman said that he recalled something about a conservative peer allegedly siphoning off a shed load of money for procuring inadequate PPE, something else about a VIP lane company run by a conservative donor being paid to procure a shed load of inadequate PPE and then being paid to incinerate it. He also had a recollection that a senior conservative MP who had held and continues to hold senior positions in the government who had denied owing HMRC lots of money last summer and then, after a successful investigation by HMRC, deciding to pay an eye watering amount of unpaid taxes that historically have been accompanied with a jail sentence.


'We do have a lot of news about the weather, so we've filled the front page with news about snow in case nobody noticed; and there's still lots of news about Harry and Meghan. And the unions blackmailing the country. Buggered if I know where the other news went, though,' he said, uploading another photo of a town covered in a dusting of snow.




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