Meta transcends everything but definitely isn’t watching you, Big Brother insists

The holding company for Facebook, Instagram and WhatsApp has rebranded as Meta, which company spokespersons insist is in no way a creepy reminder that it can see and hear pretty much everything except your dreams. For now, anyway.

“I mean: we publish our privacy policy but no-one believes it; and we don’t publish what we actually know ‘cos… you know - reasons. But mostly money. The world is just jealous we made our mint from your cat videos. Which we haven’t seen obvs.”

Industry analysts had wondered whether this particular choice of rebrand would prove counterproductive for a company facing repeated privacy and marketplace competition concerns.

“I knew you’d say that”, said CEO Mark Zuckerberg, before checking his notes: “ah - er, I mean our new name is meant to say ‘you can always find us’, not ‘we can always find you’. Yeah - nailed it.”

photo: https://pixabay.com/users/lobostudiohamburg-13838/

First published 30 Oct 2021

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Starmer to ban social media for the over 60s

In a bold move today, Keir Starmer will announce age checks on social media to protect older voters from radicalisation.

‘Social media is a hellhole’, a spokesman told us. ‘Flags, memes, outright lies – old people aren’t properly prepared. They tend to believe any rubbish if it’s in print. Twitter is like the Daily Mail on steroids’.

Over 60s will need permission from their children or two medical professionals to own a smartphone. The Government will issue Nokia 8850s from official stockpiles for emergency use and also to get rid of the stockpile. Bad procurement decision in the 90s.

We asked some over 60s what they thought of the proposals. Comments included ‘It’s Sharia Law, innit, they’re gonna make all the women wear burkas’, ‘I blame the darkies’ and ‘Chemtrails’, which seem to justify the decision.

The move has been condemned by the Russian Embassy, which accused Starmer of being a ‘spoilsport’.

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Image: https://pixabay.com/users/pixelkult-631805/

Snapchat offline is nature healing itself

An unexpected outage with Amazon and Snapchat has been hailed as the happiest 24 hours since records began. In that time endangered species recovered, the ozone healed and The Beatles reformed.

Peace instantly broke in Gaza, and not that bull$hit Trump peace where everyone still gets shot, actual peace. Cancer was downgraded to a mild cough. And Quality Street went back to making the really large box of chocolates.

Children looked up from their phones and saw the sky for the first time. All was well with the world...until someone thought to download TikTok to fill the time.

Image credit: perchance.org