Starmer to ban social media for the over 60s

In a bold move today, Keir Starmer will announce age checks on social media to protect older voters from radicalisation.

‘Social media is a hellhole’, a spokesman told us. ‘Flags, memes, outright lies – old people aren’t properly prepared. They tend to believe any rubbish if it’s in print. Twitter is like the Daily Mail on steroids’.

Over 60s will need permission from their children or two medical professionals to own a smartphone. The Government will issue Nokia 8850s from official stockpiles for emergency use and also to get rid of the stockpile. Bad procurement decision in the 90s.

We asked some over 60s what they thought of the proposals. Comments included ‘It’s Sharia Law, innit, they’re gonna make all the women wear burkas’, ‘I blame the darkies’ and ‘Chemtrails’, which seem to justify the decision.

The move has been condemned by the Russian Embassy, which accused Starmer of being a ‘spoilsport’.

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Image: https://pixabay.com/users/pixelkult-631805/

Snapchat offline is nature healing itself

An unexpected outage with Amazon and Snapchat has been hailed as the happiest 24 hours since records began. In that time endangered species recovered, the ozone healed and The Beatles reformed.

Peace instantly broke in Gaza, and not that bull$hit Trump peace where everyone still gets shot, actual peace. Cancer was downgraded to a mild cough. And Quality Street went back to making the really large box of chocolates.

Children looked up from their phones and saw the sky for the first time. All was well with the world...until someone thought to download TikTok to fill the time.

Image credit: perchance.org

Misogynists nurse their fragile egos as England Women win Euros again

In an event that has sent shockwaves through pub corners and online comment sections across the nation, England’s women have once again lifted the UEFA Women’s Euro trophy, leaving a trail of confused and fragile male egos in their victorious wake.

“Football’s only coming home when we win it,” muttered 47-year-old expert-in-nothing Gary Thompson, while refreshing his timeline, hoping to see anything that might discredit the Lionesses’ historic victory. “It’s not proper football, is it? Where’s the slide tackles? Where’s the pub brawls? Where’s the VAR controversy so I can argue with strangers online?”

Sources confirm that a coalition of part-time YouTube pundits and full-time misogynists immediately convened to develop their latest coping strategy: redefining the word 'football' in real-time.

“Winning the Euros doesn’t count unless you’re diving, swearing at the ref, and clutching your hamstring every five minutes,” said Dave from Manchester, who once scored a tap-in during a five-a-side game in 1998 and has considered himself a tactical mastermind ever since.

Meanwhile, social media has been flooded with desperate attempts to downplay the achievement. Comments such as 'the goals aren't as good' and 'the men would beat them' poured in, as if that somehow negates the victory parade currently being planned through London.

One particularly distraught Twitter user even launched a petition demanding UEFA 'cancel the result because it’s biologically unfair,' citing zero scientific sources but a lot of feelings.

Psychologists have observed a sharp rise in cases of 'Selective Sports Interest Syndrome' — a condition where men suddenly become experts on women’s football solely to dismiss it. “It’s fascinating,” said Dr. Elaine Ward. “They've never watched a women’s match, but the moment women succeed, they develop encyclopaedic knowledge of why it ‘doesn’t count.’”

Meanwhile, the Lionesses responded to the outcry with a deafening silence, too busy admiring their second consecutive European trophy.

As England basks in a historic win, Gary and his fellow keyboard patriots have found solace in their final fallback argument: “At least we still have the darts.”

image from pixabay

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