You must protect yourselves right now, if you want to escape the dreadful influenzer epidemic in the run-up to Christmas,” the UK’s chief medical officer told a press conference in TK Maxx on Oxford Street.
“Unless you inoculate yourselves immediately by closing all your social media accounts, you'll be infected by wave after wave of preening young influenzers on Instagram, YouTube and TikTok persuading you to splurge your cash on overpriced cosmetics for all your relatives, as well as ridiculous items of clothing which they will never wear more than once.
"And the influenzer disease is highly contagious, because your relatives will all be infected with the urge to buy the self-same garbage for you.
“The UK’s social media disease labs have informed me that this year’s most virulent influenzer strains are x. Zoella Sugella and x. Charli D’Amelitis.
“But, as in previous years, people are continuing to suffer from nauseating levels of exposure to bacterius Kylie Jenneritis and streptoccocus Kimmus Kardashianus.
“I warn you! If you become an influenzer victim, you will end the Christmas shopping season feeling very poorly indeed – as in: ‘Why am I so very poor? What did I spend all my sodding money on?’”