Trump launches HickTok for most hopelessly dim supporters

"HickTok is the social media platform for the President's most fervent, pig ignorant supporters," said a spokes-chatbot for Trump Enterprises.

"These are the millions of American rubes, redneck and hayseeds who've pledged their votes to him for 2028, despite not knowing what year it is now or even what a vote is.

"Because these people - if you can call them that - are functionally illiterate and proud of it, HickTok will show them clips of Trump dad-dancing to YMCA, launching missiles at Iran and abusing the cringing leaders of satellite states."

"We lurrve him," said two newlywed cousins from Squawking, West Virginia, who have signed up to Hicktok.

"He's gonna buy us a pick-up truck and a new hunting rifle," they added, gullibly.

image by Grok

'If we make the UK rubbish enough, maybe they won't come?'

The government is staking its reputation on stopping asylum seekers crossing the channel in small boats. The latest government initiative is to provide asylum seekers with more realistic information about life in Britain, in the hope that this will encourage them to look elsewhere. A spokesman said that negative posts about Britain on social media will act as a huge deterrent.

For example, asylum seekers will be told that public housing in Britain is not all it’s cracked up to be. In fact, much of it is actually cracked. While the space standards in public housing are great (because only the government follows its own advice on room sizes, etc), much of it is old, damp, mouldy, energy inefficient, full of lino and formica. Or they might be housed in unsafe tower blocks with flammable cladding or a clapped out holiday camp which bears no resemblance to Hi-di-Hi. Asylum seekers will be targeted with social media clips of crappy housing in grim Northern towns, Grenfell tower and vox pops with impoverished leaseholders who are stuck in properties they can’t get out of.

On transport, the government will publicise the big reductions in bus services, rail strikes, cost of fuel, the state of the roads, cycle lanes that are only two metres long, and so on.

Health will be treated in a similar vein (sic). Asylum seekers will be told about the failing NHS, queueing ambulances, 999 call delays, bed blocking, surgical errors, inadequate social care, diminishing numbers of GPs and the various maternity, heart hospital and children’s hospital scandals. There is plenty of material to draw on. At long last the problems in the NHS turn out to have a silver lining.

A government comms expert was ecstatic about the plans. She said that everyone in government communications loved social media campaigns, because they can legitimately fool around on TwitSpace, InstaGuff, TwitTok and FaceBlah all day – and get paid for it, and probably get overtime. She said, off the record, that the budget would be huge and no-one would ever be able to tell what had been achieved. ‘This sort of campaign is gold dust – jobs for life for everyone in comms. We will have to post across dozens of different social media sites, and in dozens of languages. It’s a digital gravy train!’

To ensure that the messages reach their target audience the government is planning to hand out free mobile phones, with all-you-can-eat data plans, to potential asylum seekers in and around Calais, Albania, Afghanistan and other locations still to be finalised.

The government is expecting results quickly and ideally before the next election.

Image: geralt | Pixabay

www.newsbiscuit.com

First published 10 Mar 2023

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‘We could run out of make-up within days’ warn Dubai influencers

‘We could run out of make-up within days,’ warn Dubai influencers

Influencers across Dubai have warned that make-up supplies and beauty product are running low and could run out within days unless the Government acts now to replenish their dwindling stocks.

You Tube influencer Gemma from South London said the Government must step in to make sure beauty products and top brand merchandise can reach those that need it most.

‘This war could not have come at a worse time’ said Gemma…..’I’ve got a whole new range of Satin Kajal liquid eyeliner to promote and my internet connection could go down at any minute.

'The support we have had from the English Government has been woeful so far….It’s almost as if we influencers are irrelevant, of no importance….. It is terrible that people are dying….I get that. But I’m trying to sell leading brands of eye-liner and nail polish here….I can’t do that with bombs and guns lighting up the sky in the background of my You Tube feed.

'I’ve got 100,000 followers waiting to see me applying skin tone to my cheek bones later tonight…..I’ve got a new rich cool-toned product endorsed by Hollywood celebrities. Nobody wants to hear the sound of ambulance sirens and fire fighters drowning out my interview with Selena.

'Even everyday things like cotton wool are running low….those selfish people at the hospital are stock piling it all and making an influencers life virtually impossible.

'If it carries on like this for much longer I would like the Government to send a Gulfstream to get me and my two cats out of here.

'There are times when life can be so unfair’.

Image: armennano - Pixabay

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