Meta transcends everything but definitely isn’t watching you, Big Brother insists

The holding company for Facebook, Instagram and WhatsApp has rebranded as Meta, which company spokespersons insist is in no way a creepy reminder that it can see and hear pretty much everything except your dreams. For now, anyway.

“I mean: we publish our privacy policy but no-one believes it; and we don’t publish what we actually know ‘cos… you know - reasons. But mostly money. The world is just jealous we made our mint from your cat videos. Which we haven’t seen obvs.”

Industry analysts had wondered whether this particular choice of rebrand would prove counterproductive for a company facing repeated privacy and marketplace competition concerns.

“I knew you’d say that”, said CEO Mark Zuckerberg, before checking his notes: “ah - er, I mean our new name is meant to say ‘you can always find us’, not ‘we can always find you’. Yeah - nailed it.”

photo: https://pixabay.com/users/lobostudiohamburg-13838/

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Burglars demand 'more clarity' about holiday plans from Facebook users

A spokesman for the burglar community says he appreciates that most Facebook users are 'admirably candid' about when the entire contents of their house are there for the taking. He likes the way they go on for weeks about their upcoming trip abroad.

'Usually, you can have the whole place cleaned out while they're still at the airport arguing with Ryanair staff about baggage restrictions,' says housebreaker Jeremy Quinn, of Birmingham.

‘However, there's still a stubborn minority who are exasperatingly vague about the details of their travel plans, and this is costing burglars an estimated £20m a year in lost earnings,’ he says.

‘People should be franker about the true value of their belongings. I get the impulse to boast and fib, but honesty is the best policy. I can tell you that the 'Cartier' watch Greg Morgan in Peterborough has been bragging about is nothing but a pathetic Chinese knockoff.’

photo: https://pixabay.com/users/s_salow-9096056/

Man completing daft Facebook games shocked to be hacked

A man who responds to every single Facebook post that pops up asking him to reminisce about a well loved pet that is no longer with us or to tell the world which city he was born in has expressed incredulity after his bank account was coincidentally hacked into.

‘Facebook is great, isn’t it, for bringing back those memories and sharing them with everyone’, said Mike Jones, 54, today. ‘Love it when those posts pop up asking you to work out your pornstar name by combining your favourite holiday destination with the surname of your first teacher at primary school. Nerja McAndrew was mine. Brilliant. I added mine in the comments along with the years I was there in case any of my old mates were on there.’

‘I was on this one the other day telling me it would give me my Batman butler identity just by telling them my favourite football team and my mums’ maiden name. ‘Everton Richardson at your service’, I typed in the comments - got loads of likes. I don’t know how they think all these wacky ideas up - I imagine there is some group of people somewhere sitting there thinking ‘right, what can we do to entertain everyone on Facebook and give them a laugh’. They could do with employing an artist and proof reader though. The fonts are always really babyish and they’re riddled with spelling mistakes’.

‘I’ve had to take a few days off playing these games though as my my mind has been on other things. The bank got in touch saying there had been loads of unusual transactions recently and all my savings had been taken out’, said Jones. ‘They asked whether I had revealed any passwords or personal information online and I told them of course I hadn’t. I’m not bloody stupid. I guess these criminals must have exploited some kind of loophole in the bank’s online encryption. They should really make sure their customers are protected’.

‘I’m hoping to get back on Facebook later to cheer myself up’ admitted Jones. ‘But I’ve got to pick up a parcel first - something from Hermes, apparently. Just had a text through from them. Don’t know what it is but I’ve had to click through on a link and pay a small fee to get it. Hopefully it will be something good’.

photo: LoboStudioHamburg @ Pixabay