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After confidently stating the well-known phrase, a man was held to account as passers-by requested proof that this was indeed the case. Needled for empirical data provided by respected research establishments, the backtracking individual then badly misused the expression “it’s just common knowledge”.


When contacted, independent survey professionals confirmed that they had no results to back up this claim and even after carrying out an appropriate questionnaire with a reasonable sample size they could only find a negligible amount of people who confessed to “doing it”. This was later classified as zero when the margin of error was considered.


It is possible that the statement was made to justify the man’s own horrible actions and opinions, however this is just speculation, and we are awaiting the results of the official enquiry. Furthermore, the phrase “They are all the same” was deemed to have been made by the accused without any facts to substantiate it or collaborative witness statements.


An already agitated crowd then turned their frustration on an individual with no real understanding of proverbs who said, “Not to worry, it is just a few bad apples.”


New research published today reveals the average wait in the queue of your local post office is more stressful than trying to navigate your way around the M25 in Friday afternoon rush hour.


Retail Analyst, Penny Woolmer, explains. ''You may join a queue to buy a first class stamp, with only two people in front of you, but our data shows 94% of the time the person at the window is sending 11 parcels to eBay customers.


'Just as they're about to leave you hear, "Oh, I had better get a book of stamps too while I'm at it," something that for some inexplicable reason adds at least another ten minutes to your wait.


'When they finally leave the window your stress levels have reached boiling point because the person now being served has forgotten the pin number for their card.


'Twenty minutes follows when they search every purse and pocket for a piece of paper they've written the number on and when they finally do find it the bloody till has frozen and it all needs rebooting again.'


Gavin Rochester a pensioner from Winchester said, 'People in the queue need to chill out. I remember once in my post office it took me three hours to buy 150 stamps for my Christmas cards. The woman gave me 1st class but I wanted 2nd. That caused a right old kerfuffle.


'People weren't too best pleased but it didn't bother me cos I got all the time in the world' It's normally nice and warm in there and with the price of heating these days it's win-win.'


New NHS figures show that thousands of people were injured in household accidents as people spent more time indoors.


2,700 people sought medical assistance after an accident with a jar lid, such as jam or chutney, and 349 were admitted to hospital after tussles with a dressing gown. More than 5,600 people required hospital attention after wandering into the kitchen and forgetting what they went in there for.


Working from home posed fresh hazards, with 2,243 people needing attention after coming into contact with revised company login procedures and 1,232 colliding with chairs after forgetting their password.


While many people found comfort during lockdowns by adopting pets, 7,386 people were admitted to English hospitals after being punched by a dog, while 60 others sought assistance after encounters with angry hamsters.


The number of people needing assistance after getting tired of looking out the window rose from 3 cases in 2019/20 to 18,367,290 in 2020/21


A lady in Wales was admitted to hospital after biting into an especially stale custard cream and 437 conservative brexiteers required emergency procedures after coming into contact with a book.


The NHS expects cases to reduce once bored immunity sets in.





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