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Suella Braverman to join the Great British Break Off


From our correspondent in the snug of the Dirty Duck.


'There is general uproar here, as I text this report. It's Dodgy Dave's birthday, and he's been buying rounds since the pub opened. From what I can hear off the telly, in a surprise move Suella Braverman has been signed up to join Great British Break Off. The 'reality' show where people come to try out half-baked ideas in the Reform tent. 


'Recent entrants have been Robert Jenrick with his Blackout Cake. He was unable to remember anything he said or did before 15th January. A week ealier it was Nadim Zahawi with his Chocolate Fudge Cake. Very rich but who's counting the pounds? Last year included Nadine Dorries with her Nutty Meringue Cake - well beaten till fluffy and with a hard shell


'In other news, Nigella Lawson has joined the Reform Party.


(You're fired. Ed.)


Image: Lockjaw



Asylum-seekers urged to keep backstories simple



Hollywood screenwriters have pinpointed the problem with most of the people seeking asylum in the UK: their backstories are too complex for an audience raised on Eastenders.


'The Ukrainians have nailed it' said Chad, a script editor from California. 'A well-drawn if somewhat obvious villain, a humble-yet-plucky hero leading a ragtag band of underdogs against a mighty army. They should have made Zelensky single so he could fall in love with a librarian who has to become a freedom fighter – or a nurse? - but apart from that it’s a perfect script'.


Syrians have come under criticism for having a ‘complex and muddled’ backstory.


'Who’s the baddy? Who’s the goody? What’s the branding? These people have no idea how to launch a franchise. Their best chance is to do a kind of ‘Putin Origins’ storyline' said Chad. 'We could show him developing his weapons and tactics in Damascus – ooh, I know, we could show him actually on the road to Damascus! That would play great in the US of A, do you have the Bible here? Give Putin his own theme, similar to Darth Vader’s Imperial March, and make those Wagner guys dress like stormtroopers, pretty soon the Syrians would be getting housing and a welcome as well'.


Suella Braverman was asked for a statement, but she was busy designing a laser cannon for the white cliffs of Dover and posing for next week’s Daily Mail front page.



First published 29 Nov 2022



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Pail of water melts Braverman



A pail of water falling from some scaffolding drenched Suella Braverman as she searched an active construction site for illegal immigrants. Unbeknownst to the builders, the water had earlier been blessed, causing Braverman to dissolve into a puddle.


As she rapidly lost corporeal form, Braverman was heard to blame immigrants who do not share British values for her demise. Authorities say there were no other injuries, and foul play is not suspected. However, a man matching the description of Robert Jenrick was seen paying money to a passing priest and then running away laughing.


The site’s string of accident-free days came to an end at fourteen.


Image: Wix AI

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