Sunak: 'I'm backing Shapps'

In a surprise move and following a longevity record-smashing two days in his last ministerial posting, Prime Minister, Rishi Sunak, has now redeployed Grant Shapps to take up the reins as Secretary of State for the newly created Department of Defence and Utter Desperation.

Speaking to reporters Mr Sunak said: 'Okay, I'll admit it. This is quite the most incompetent administration the UK has ever seen, but in a last-ditch attempt to have us reelected, I am appointing Grant as our saviour. If nothing else it will take the heat off our latest fuck up on the schools riddled with cheap concrete that we've ignored for the last six years.

'Although, after we've foisted "feckless fool" Johnson, "I've got a screw loose" Truss, and little old "moneybags" me on an unsuspecting public, I fully realise the game's up and we're probably bollixed. But if I can somehow get the right wing press and media to back us next year then who knows? Perhaps a few knighthoods or something to sympathetic nobodies could just swing it. Voters are morons after all.

'Therefore, I'm putting Grant up front and centre to head up the new department. Of course he's utterly hopeless and clueless like the rest of us, yet there is this weird perception he has a shred of ability and nearly an eighth of an ounce of integrity. Extraordinary, isn't it? But what they heck. I mean you never know. Miracles sometimes can happen'

When asked for a comment Mr Shapps said: 'I love Ritchie. He's great and I'll back him to the ends of the earth. Even, say, if he went on murderous rampage with a meat cleaver. I'm not sure what he stands for or what his plans for the country are, but while he keeps handing me all these high profile ministries despite me having no experience or aptitude whatsoever, then I'd be a fool not to. Wouldn't I?'

Photo by Deniz Fuchidzhiev on Unsplash

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Sunak describes celebration he had planned if Lionesses had won

Standing outside No.10, the Prime Minister listed all the things he had planned that were now not going to happen. “Not only was everyone going to get an extra Bank holiday, but we might also now have to cancel the one next week. I was personally going to fund street parties and pay for all the sad party food that you lot consider special. The completion of those hospitals is now postponed, due to poor defending. And inadequate marking has led to no pay raise for the public sector for many years to come.”

Waving a sealed envelope, he added “Well, the fully costed celebration plan will just have to be shredded now, no need to look at all the nice things you now can’t have.”

“Maybe having a woman in a managerial position of that kind of importance was a mistake and Sarina Wiegman is a bit out of her depth. Anyway, maybe have a word with her about not getting the gift vouchers I was going to send to every UK citizen.”

“Quite frankly, I am glad I didn’t go out there and watch the match, looking at the damage they have done to the UK economy.”

He then turned around, and hummed a little tune to himself as he went back inside

image from pixabay

Clean air is Woke agree Sunak & Starmer

Occupying the same 3 millimetres of political ground, both leaders threw their support behind choking to death. Starmer is rumoured to have said: 'There's nothing wrong with turning blue, god knows I have.'

Fears of a backlash against any attempt to limit London's pollution, mean that both major parties now back the return of gas masks and black bogies. They believe voters would rather hold their breath than inhale lefty oxygen. And that dry rasping coughs are part of the Dunkirk spirit.

A government spokesperson remarked: 'Fresh air is for communists and deviants. A true Brit wants stale farts in a lift. They want a burning esophagus, streaming eyes and the taste of freedom - which is similar to the taste of 5-star leaded petrol. If God had wanted us to smell fresh air, he'd have given us all our own private helicopters.'