Occupying the same 3 millimetres of political ground, both leaders threw their support behind choking to death. Starmer is rumoured to have said: 'There's nothing wrong with turning blue, god knows I have.'
Fears of a backlash against any attempt to limit London's pollution, mean that both major parties now back the return of gas masks and black bogies. They believe voters would rather hold their breath than inhale lefty oxygen. And that dry rasping coughs are part of the Dunkirk spirit.
A government spokesperson remarked: 'Fresh air is for communists and deviants. A true Brit wants stale farts in a lift. They want a burning esophagus, streaming eyes and the taste of freedom - which is similar to the taste of 5-star leaded petrol. If God had wanted us to smell fresh air, he'd have given us all our own private helicopters.'