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Sunak: 'I'm backing Shapps'


In a surprise move and following a longevity record-smashing two days in his last ministerial posting, Prime Minister, Rishi Sunak, has now redeployed Grant Shapps to take up the reins as Secretary of State for the newly created Department of Defence and Utter Desperation.


Speaking to reporters Mr Sunak said: 'Okay, I'll admit it. This is quite the most incompetent administration the UK has ever seen, but in a last-ditch attempt to have us reelected, I am appointing Grant as our saviour. If nothing else it will take the heat off our latest fuck up on the schools riddled with cheap concrete that we've ignored for the last six years.


'Although, after we've foisted "feckless fool" Johnson, "I've got a screw loose" Truss, and little old "moneybags" me on an unsuspecting public, I fully realise the game's up and we're probably bollixed. But if I can somehow get the right wing press and media to back us next year then who knows? Perhaps a few knighthoods or something to sympathetic nobodies could just swing it. Voters are morons after all.


'Therefore, I'm putting Grant up front and centre to head up the new department. Of course he's utterly hopeless and clueless like the rest of us, yet there is this weird perception he has a shred of ability and nearly an eighth of an ounce of integrity. Extraordinary, isn't it? But what they heck. I mean you never know. Miracles sometimes can happen'


When asked for a comment Mr Shapps said: 'I love Ritchie. He's great and I'll back him to the ends of the earth. Even, say, if he went on murderous rampage with a meat cleaver. I'm not sure what he stands for or what his plans for the country are, but while he keeps handing me all these high profile ministries despite me having no experience or aptitude whatsoever, then I'd be a fool not to. Wouldn't I?'




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bdbdab
04 sept 2023

'But if I can somehow get the right wing press and media to back us'. ROFL.

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