Sunak uses needle and button to fight off mouse

The City has reacted badly to reports that Rishi Sunak was attacked by a Field mouse

and is hiding inside a doll’s house in the attic of No 10. Police say the Prime Minister went into combat with the beast armed only with a sewing needle and a shirt button. The titanic struggle took place in a deep pile carpet beneath a chair in the Cabinet room. MI5 believe the mouse entered No 10 through a drainpipe.

News of the clash comes as the OBR predicts Mr Sunak will shrink by 1.4% in 2023. The PM contracted sharply in December, leaving him vulnerable to inquisitive cats, hungry birds, and civil servants who don’t watch where they’re putting their feet.

Police have urged tiny people not to take matters into their own hands. If you are attacked by a mouse, you should find your nearest teapot and dial 999.

UK experiences "anomaly" in the economy.

Observers say that they are "disappointed" after the UK economy nosed-dived after the much anticipated relaunch failed to gain enough height.

The pilot, Captain Sunak, made a safe take off of the PM 3 Dumbo. He then released the Hunt engineered Econ-bomb vehicle. All was thought to be going well. However, failure followed as the second stage failed. Pundits believe that the "anomaly" was caused by a lack of maths skills coupled with the failure of the 5-point booster which failed to move the craft into the anticipated orbit.

It has emerged that the take off nearly didn't take place at all as they had invited a Mr Kwarteng to make the countdown:

10, 9, 3, 6, 5, 2, 8, 1 Zero.

Tory Party makes 2022 the biggest pantomime ever

“I just want to thank everyone for the effort they’ve put in to make this year’s Tory Party performance the most ludicrous pantomime in living memory,” Prime Minister Rishi-Washi told his fellow cabinet ministers.

“We have made complete and utter laughing stocks of ourselves, and we’ve turned Britain into a nation full of Baron and Baroness Hardups – which means everyone has been able to join in our madcap fun.

“Things may have looked decidedly un-amusing at the start of the year,” continued Mr Washi, “when that Etonian bullshitter Widow Twanker was still in charge.

"And then they got considerably worse when the demented woman with the blonde bob, Snow White, replaced him.

“But finally there's been a happy ending, with me taking over her cabinet. And what a bunch of morally bankrupt, intellectually stunted dwarves you really are - namely: Sneaky, Trashful, Sleazy, Gropey, Hapless, Grungy and Cock.

"I am proud to lead you all off to work because together, we'll be delivering the people of Britain some true Tory-style, cash-strapped festivities in 2022 that they'll all wish they could just forget: a very Mirthless Christmas and a Crappy New Year."

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