Kremlin issues election guidance to Tories

‘Dear Western Imperialist scum. Sorry, force of habit.

Dear Rishi Sunak. Unlike me, you might struggle to get 87% of the votes in your own house.

Have you tried imprisoning and then killing Keir Starmer? It’s not like there would be a popular uprising on his behalf. Half of his own party would offer to stick the knife in themselves. You could portray it as red on red violence and have them all sent to a hideous, desolate penal colony, like the Isle of Wight.

Ed Davey can be the minor party candidate that means you’re not technically unopposed.

Why am I helping you? Well, having the UK floundering in chaos is helpful for Moscow, so we’re big fans of yours. Please continue laundering our money, especially my pension.

Kisses, Vlad.’

Fantasy Government League - Tory Disunited

The next round of Fantasy Government League is already causing a lot of head-scratching for the manager of the Tory footer XI.

First of these is who to nominate as captain. Doubling up your points for that MP is normally seen as a positive thing. But if your selected player ends up with a negative score, twice that is worse than ever. So, do they stick with Sunak, or switch to a new captain? There are no guarantees. But then again, a real wildcard might just be the answer to their shortage of goals. Oh, if only they'd kept hold of that charismatic little tousle-haired blonde American lad. He might have been able to knock up a few.

Even if that problem is solved the next issue is can they field a full team? Many of the regular squad have already announced their unavailability at the end of this season. Others have suffered injuries - mainly shooting themselves in the foot. And several have been given red cards, meaning automatic suspensions. The usual response to this situation is to buy replacement players. But who would join a relegation-threatened side with further points deductions looming due to financial irregularities? Things have come to a pretty pass indeed when the Premier League is the moral arbiter of the Government.

Finally, if enough players can be found, it's not often that a team lines up with an unconventional 10-0-0 formation. No attacking forwards, no midfield strategists, and simply ten bodies from the supporters' club pressed in to service as makeshift defenders. Where, oh where, is that big red Brexit campaign vehicle? If ever there were a time to 'park the bus' this surely is it. A £350 million bribe to the Saudi league buys you nothing these days!

New UK Prime Minister is David Tully from Rochdale

An unknown independent candidate who only entered a Rochdale byelection race 4 weeks ago has swept to victory, claiming the top job at Number 10.

Trouncing the Conservative candidate, but finishing second to a cat, means that David Tully is automatically installed as Prime Minister according to the new rules of UK democracy applied by the Tories to install Rishi Sunak.

Sunak himself also finished second in a vote, but when it was realised that he had been beaten by a rotting salad, a swift and sneaky change of the rules meant that he was allowed to take office and run an entire country.

The total number of votes received by Rishi Sunak in order to become Prime Minister is disputed. Those who were initially supposed to vote, got it bed-crappingly wrong, so their vote was ignored, along with the votes of their dead pet pangolins. Then when it was decided that only close chums who might get a cushy job from Rishi were allowed to vote, they just about managed to squeeze him first past the post in a one horse race.

But now David Tully has received an amount of actual real votes, and thousands more than Sunak did to be handed the job while also not coming first, then it is simply new unwritten constitutional law that he is automatically installed as Prime Minister.

As an inexperienced independent, no one is quite sure what David Tully stands for, or what his key macroeconomic policies on fiscal recovery might be. Politically, however, this makes him no different than any of the last 73 Conservative Prime Ministers since the word 'woke' was redefined.

image from pixabay

writer: SteveB