Sunak: 'Bombing Yemen or just exporting potholes?'

The British pothole industry is booming, with domestic production through the roof – or through the tarmac, depending on how you look at these things – after the Conservatives savagely slashed the funding to local councils who would normally fix them.

Inspired by Israel turning the Gaza Strip into one giant pothole, Rishi Sunak, an Apprentice candidate masquerading as Prime Minister, told Lord Sugar that he is now in the business of the 'exporting' potholes. When Sugar responded that Sunak was 'fired', Sunak glumly replied that his working assumption was that he wouldn’t be fired until the second half of 2024.

Sunak’s stature & poll numbers often give the impression that he is already standing in a pothole. He is rumoured to be taking the idea to Dragon’s Den next.

image from pixabay

Sunak gets support from Tory MPs by promising an all expenses paid trip to Africa

Sources have provided details of the promises made by the Conservative leader to MPs that backed his latest immigration bill. An all-inclusive break of indeterminable length has been assured for MPs who voted correctly.

The government has invested over £2 million in overseas facilities, which includes bespoke flights and secure accommodation in the scenic plains of the Savannah. The amenities have been previewed by one of the many Home Secretaries that Sunak has available to him.

This bonus is fully government funded and taxpayers will be happy to know that there may be further use of the holiday package in the near future, law permitting.

Bizarrely, any tory MPs who voted against the bill, will probably be on the same flight out.

Photo by Sergey Pesterev on Unsplash

Newly-discovered planet is 'safe'

The government is currently drafting a law declaring that a recently-discovered, 259,000 light-year-distant planet, described as a bare rock 'about half the size of that square bit of land sticking out of the left-hand side of England, covered in sheep' and which is 5,000 degrees hot, has seas full of hydrofluoric acid and an atmosphere of chlorine, is 'a safe, convenient and democratically-governed location to which unauthorised would-be immigrants may be lawfully accommodated while awaiting a decision on whether or not they are entitled to permanent residence in the UK.

'Of course it's a sensible choice,' a government spokes-bot declared 'which will deter the literally dozens of unauthorised would-be immigrants flooding to Britain every year in dangerous, ramshackle home-made clockwork flying saucers.

'And no-one need worry about logistical considerations regarding the plante's remote location.  Guests will have plenty of time to get there, have a nice relaxing break and then, if deemed admissible, eventually make their way  back to these shores, before Britain's immigration authorities have come anywhere near to making any kind of decision - about anything.'

Photo by Arnaud Mariat on Unsplash