Sunak said Greek PM promised not to talk about Elgin Rattle

"The Prime Toddler cancelled a meeting with his Greek counterpart because he broke a promise and demanded the return of the Elgin Rattle," said a spokesman for Rishi 'Tweedledum' Sunak.

"Young Master Sunak insists he never stole the rattle and even if someone did steal it, it was all a long time ago and the rattle is probably better off staying here in Britain, anyway."

"I'm not satisfied by the position taken by the British government," Greek premier Stavros Tweedledum told the BBC, "and I intend to fight a battle over it, because that could help my chances of getting re-elected."

"Tweedledum Sunak has accepted his challenge," said the Number Ten spokesman, "because creating a big new row over this tedious old chestnut of an issue - and telling the Greeks to sod off - will probably play very well with readers of the Daily Mail.

"Master Sunak has also announced he will not appear for this week's questions in the Commons, because he has heard that Starmer was planning to call him a petulant, thin-skinned baby.

"The Prime Toddler wants to make it utterly clear that if anyone else dares mention something which he doesn't want to hear about, he will throw his tricycle into the hedge, lock himself in his bedroom and never speak to anyone else, ever again in his life."

image from pixabay

Labour unexpectedly releases risqué 2024 Starmer calendar

In what is seen as Labour’s potential first misstep, Sir Keir Starmer has released a 2024 calendar with a series of risqué and provocative poses. The move, as Labour HQ has announced, is to capture the “thirsty” vote.

'For too long has there been a distinct lack of sexiness in Downing Street,' said Mr Starmer at a press conference dressed in a leather trousers, jacket, cowboy boots and no shirt. 'Cameron, May, Johnson, Truss, Sunak hold nothing to my…..majority.' He thrust his crotch suggestively to the photographers nearby.

The calendar shows a bold new direction with images such as January showing Mr Starmer riding a horse seemingly naked and March portraying him in a Doctor’s white coat pulled up to reveal his bare bottom. The latter is thought to be his tribute to the NHS. June sees him lying sideways across a judge's desk in a courtroom with a gavel in a suggestive place.

Labour say that the calendars are flying off the shelves. Feedback is coming back that some people are very much looking forward to December 2024 not only for the potential general election but also for Mr Starmer’s appearance as a naked Santa Claus with only a present sack to cover his dignity.

Rugby League teams to receive 2 extra players under Levelling Up plans

Following the sad news that HS2 will stop at Watford Gap Rishi Sunak is to announce a bold new plan to level up the North by providing an additional two players per rugby team.

‘Look, we know that places with fifteen players per rugby team do well and places with only thirteen are grim hellholes with, you know, Greggs pasty shops and women pushing prams in their pyjamas. We’re going to transform these towns with twenty seven hundred billion pounds of Government money to provide two extra players per team’.

Economists agree that rugby union towns are more prosperous than league towns so the plan is economically valid, though some have questioned whether twenty seven hundred billion is an actual number.

Labour would like to announce a plan to level up the North but every time they say something Fiona Bruce asks them for a fully costed proposal, which kills the mood somewhat.

image from pixabay