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Average wait in Post Office queue worse than M25 rush hour


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New research published today reveals the average wait in the queue of your local post office is more stressful than trying to navigate your way around the M25 in Friday afternoon rush hour.


Retail Analyst, Penny Woolmer, explains. ''You may join a queue to buy a first class stamp, with only two people in front of you, but our data shows 94% of the time the person at the window is sending 11 parcels to eBay customers.


'Just as they're about to leave you hear, "Oh, I had better get a book of stamps too while I'm at it," something that for some inexplicable reason adds at least another ten minutes to your wait.


'When they finally leave the window your stress levels have reached boiling point because the person now being served has forgotten the pin number for their card.


'Twenty minutes follows when they search every purse and pocket for a piece of paper they've written the number on and when they finally do find it the bloody till has frozen and it all needs rebooting again.'


Gavin Rochester a pensioner from Winchester said, 'People in the queue need to chill out. I remember once in my post office it took me three hours to buy 150 stamps for my Christmas cards. The woman gave me 1st class but I wanted 2nd. That caused a right old kerfuffle.


'People weren't too best pleased but it didn't bother me cos I got all the time in the world' It's normally nice and warm in there and with the price of heating these days it's win-win.'

Post-Brexit Britain best place to live by a country mile says new survey

Updated: Nov 29, 2021


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Bigots, xenophobes, racists and jingoistic fools across the country are celebrating today following the results of a new survey which says post-Brexit Britain is the best country in the world to live in.


'I knew it.' said one moron from Billericay. 'Britain’s the best country and always has been, simple as. It's no mistake that we're called Great Britain. The name's on the tin, and boy are we now living up to that again.'


Eighty-five year-old former magistrate and staunch Conservative, Dorothy Mallet agrees. 'This is the best country in the world, no doubt about it. I knew Brexit was going to be great once we became disentangled from those foreigners. We've got our sovereignty back and we've regained control now. It's great to have the Queen back, I missed her being in charge.


'Everything's running like a well-oiled machine. We've never had it so good. That three-hundred and fifty million a week has really got the NHS back on its feet, too. It's all thanks to Boris Johnson and his wonderful cabinet of many talents.'


The survey, carried out by GB News, is being claimed by the broadcaster as being the most extensive of its kind since Brexit. When asked, a channel spokesman said: 'Oh yes, very extensive indeed. We canvassed our entire audience during Dan Wooton's show and got an amazing 100% participation. Actually, three responses were registered and it was a unanimous win for Britain being best. However, full disclosure here, in the interests of accuracy and fairness we had to discount one vote as the couple's poodle wasn't eligible.'






Study finds half of UK adults believe crumbs that fall into toaster ‘just disappear'

Updated: Nov 21, 2021



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A new study has shown that 53% of UK adults believe the crumbs which fall into their toaster simply disappear without a trace.


'It’s like cremation, isn’t it?' suggests participant Lee Halsall, 'Or when something falls through the barbecue grill. Gone forever.'


Lead researcher Stella Holmes explains: 'This study provides further evidence that we are not teaching our children the practical skills they need to be effective in life. We badly need educational reforms to introduce courses like financial literacy, critical thinking and object permanence.'


It remains to be seen what purpose, if any, those in the ‘disappear’ camp believe a toaster’s crumb tray serves. Unfortunately Mr. Halsall could not be reached for further comment as his toaster had inexplicably caught fire.





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