Asylum-seekers urged to keep backstories simple

Hollywood screenwriters have pinpointed the problem with most of the people seeking asylum in the UK: their backstories are too complex for an audience raised on Eastenders.

'The Ukrainians have nailed it' said Chad, a script editor from California. 'A well-drawn if somewhat obvious villain, a humble-yet-plucky hero leading a ragtag band of underdogs against a mighty army. They should have made Zelensky single so he could fall in love with a librarian who has to become a freedom fighter – or a nurse? - but apart from that it’s a perfect script'.

Syrians have come under criticism for having a ‘complex and muddled’ backstory.

'Who’s the baddy? Who’s the goody? What’s the branding? These people have no idea how to launch a franchise. Their best chance is to do a kind of ‘Putin Origins’ storyline' said Chad. 'We could show him developing his weapons and tactics in Damascus – ooh, I know, we could show him actually on the road to Damascus! That would play great in the US of A, do you have the Bible here? Give Putin his own theme, similar to Darth Vader’s Imperial March, and make those Wagner guys dress like stormtroopers, pretty soon the Syrians would be getting housing and a welcome as well'.

Suella Braverman was asked for a statement, but she was busy designing a laser cannon for the white cliffs of Dover and posing for next week’s Daily Mail front page.

Image: stux | Pixabay

Syrian villagers send sympathy message to Brits unable to go on holiday

A remote village in war-torn Syria has sent a message of support to the people of Great Britain who find themselves unable to enjoy a fortnight's holiday on a sunny beach this year due to the covid-19 health emergency.

Asawi al Hab, a small village on the border with Lebanon, has been shelled and attacked by government forces, killing or injuring more than half of the population.

A doctor in a local hospital said: "It's been pretty grim here for a number of years. When we heard that British people wouldn't be able to jet off to Benidorm due to uncertainty over the traffic light system, we couldn't just stand by and do nothing. So we're offering cheap accommodation for any Brits who want to spend a week or two in our country.

"Of course, there's a pretty good chance they'll be shelled on a daily basis by Assad's forces or strafed by Russian fighter jets, but at least the weather's good at this time of year, and they'll go home with a healthy tan.'

A spokesman for The Foreign and Commonwealth Office said, "We don't recommend a holiday in Syria at this time, unless you're pretty elderly or have an underlying health condition, in which case, your body could conceivably end up like those piled high in our own streets during the third wave, although the prime minister has assured the country that this may or may not be the case if we all use our British common sense."

New nanoparticle still not small enough for Tommy Robinson violin

Following the news that true Brit, son of Irish Immigrants Stephen Yaxley-Lennon - better known to his puce-faced supporters as Tommy Robinson - has lost a £100,000 libel case brought by a Syrian Refugee, Materials Scientists at the Diamond Light Synchrotron in Oxfordshire have admitted defeat in developing a material capable of building a violin small enough to play in sympathy.

"After months of attempt to knit atoms together through manipulation via electrons, we cannot go any further," said Professor Kiaan Mukerjee, project leader. "We developed a new fibre, which we called PolyEDLer, and made it into a string one-millionth the thickness of a human hair that could vibrate at a perfect A-note. It was so quiet, even when connected to our first prototype instrument, that we had to send it to CERN in Switzerland to even determine it was generating sound. Even that was too loud to express the levels of sorrow we have for the worst thing to come out of Luton since the Vauxhall Cavalier."

Undaunted by their setback, Professor Muckerjee's team still hope there is a future for their new material. Work has already begun on forming the fibres into a weave that, it is hoped, could make a new fabric suitable for a variety of uses, least of which could be creating tiny pairs of socks, so that the former head of the EDL could finally buy a pair that fit. Unfortunately, with the likely cost of a pair to be in the range of thousands of pounds, it's not likely the diminutive bigot will be able to afford a pair any time soon.