"Free me from this hellhole!" pleads illegal migrant trapped in Brentford

"For pity's sake!" gasped Ahmed from Aleppo, sinking to his knees in supplication, "somebody let me out of this hellhole they've sent me to!

"I'm surrounded on all sides by concrete and high walls topped with barbed wire. It's rat-infested, and everyone around me seems to have a disease.

"And everywhere I go, there are skinheads - who I assume to be undercover government agents - threatening to throw me in the water.

"I never thought that Suella Braverman and the Home Office would be so callous as to chuck us illegal migrants into emergency housing in Brentford.

"Let me out of here, and I promise I will go back and take my chances in war-torn Syria.

"Or put me on that charming seaside barge, the Bibby Stockholm.

"There's less chance of dying a horrendous death in either of those two places than there is in Bibby Brentford."

Image: 16871531 - Pixabay

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Asylum-seekers urged to keep backstories simple

Hollywood screenwriters have pinpointed the problem with most of the people seeking asylum in the UK: their backstories are too complex for an audience raised on Eastenders.

'The Ukrainians have nailed it' said Chad, a script editor from California. 'A well-drawn if somewhat obvious villain, a humble-yet-plucky hero leading a ragtag band of underdogs against a mighty army. They should have made Zelensky single so he could fall in love with a librarian who has to become a freedom fighter – or a nurse? - but apart from that it’s a perfect script'.

Syrians have come under criticism for having a ‘complex and muddled’ backstory.

'Who’s the baddy? Who’s the goody? What’s the branding? These people have no idea how to launch a franchise. Their best chance is to do a kind of ‘Putin Origins’ storyline' said Chad. 'We could show him developing his weapons and tactics in Damascus – ooh, I know, we could show him actually on the road to Damascus! That would play great in the US of A, do you have the Bible here? Give Putin his own theme, similar to Darth Vader’s Imperial March, and make those Wagner guys dress like stormtroopers, pretty soon the Syrians would be getting housing and a welcome as well'.

Suella Braverman was asked for a statement, but she was busy designing a laser cannon for the white cliffs of Dover and posing for next week’s Daily Mail front page.

Image: stux | Pixabay

Syrian villagers send sympathy message to Brits unable to go on holiday

A remote village in war-torn Syria has sent a message of support to the people of Great Britain who find themselves unable to enjoy a fortnight's holiday on a sunny beach this year due to the covid-19 health emergency.

Asawi al Hab, a small village on the border with Lebanon, has been shelled and attacked by government forces, killing or injuring more than half of the population.

A doctor in a local hospital said: "It's been pretty grim here for a number of years. When we heard that British people wouldn't be able to jet off to Benidorm due to uncertainty over the traffic light system, we couldn't just stand by and do nothing. So we're offering cheap accommodation for any Brits who want to spend a week or two in our country.

"Of course, there's a pretty good chance they'll be shelled on a daily basis by Assad's forces or strafed by Russian fighter jets, but at least the weather's good at this time of year, and they'll go home with a healthy tan.'

A spokesman for The Foreign and Commonwealth Office said, "We don't recommend a holiday in Syria at this time, unless you're pretty elderly or have an underlying health condition, in which case, your body could conceivably end up like those piled high in our own streets during the third wave, although the prime minister has assured the country that this may or may not be the case if we all use our British common sense."