Half a mannequin, two ducks, and a peg: 190 candidates short, Tory vetting gets desperate

Announcing a General Election, you'd think a government might have planned to have enough Generals in place. Not this one. With just a couple of weeks until the application deadline, the Conservatives are 190 candidates short in constituencies all over the UK.

In a last minute mad panic, vetting of candidates has slipped to a new low. One seat in Surrey Heath will literally be challenged by a seat. And not even a good one like a Recaro, just a rusty-legged, wonky, battered, old plastic village hall seat. With distasteful staining on it so grim, not even a mangy pigeon with diarrhoea would perch on it.

Another candidate in the Home Counties will be a clothes peg, and a broken compass with a constant spinning needle will be the Conservative choice in South Northamptonshire.

Not just one, but two ducks will challenge a flock of 100 feral chickens currently running the Norfolk village of Snettisham. And some dangerous air turbulence has been put forward as a candidate in the West Midlands. The main thinking being that at least it is grabbing some news headlines at the moment and voters might have heard of it.

One London borough will have the choice of half a contorted mannequin as their Tory MP. Intrigued, some voters are asking 'which half?'

And a bag of hangers will contest the Hartlepool election, but is still expected to win, given local appetite for bringing back the death penalty.

In perhaps the worst case of candidate vetting, residents in Somerset will be presented with the option of Jacob Rees-Mogg.

Picture credit: Wix AI

Alice's Adventures in National Service

'You look fed up with electioneering already,' the Wet Nit said in an anxious tone: 'let me tell you a policy to inspire you.'

'Is it very long?' Alice asked, for she had heard a good deal of campaigning that day.

'It's long,' said the Nit, 'but very, very important. Everybody that hears me proclaim it—either it brings the tears of laughter into their eyes, or else—'

'Or else what?' said Alice, for the Nit had made a sudden pause.

'Or else it doesn't, you know. The name of the policy is called 'National Service'.'

'Oh, that's the name of the policy, is it?' Alice said, trying to feel interested.

'No, you don't understand,' the Wet Nit said, looking a little vexed. 'That's what the name is called. The name really is 'Modern Culture'.'

'Then I ought to have said 'That's what the policy is called'?' Alice corrected herself.

'No, you oughtn't: that's quite another thing! The policy is called 'Community Service': but that's only what it's called, you know!'

'Well, what is the policy, then?' said Alice, who was by this time completely bewildered.

'I was coming to that,' the Wet Nit said. 'The policy really is 'Anything To Grab A Headline': and I'm making it up as I go along.'

Picture credit: Wix AI

Tories in a pickle with the cheese roll