Sunak to gift every Tory voter £2,000,000 in the election

In what's being seen by many commentators as an uncosted promise, PM Rishi Sunak will announce during a keynote speech guaranteed £2,000,000 single payments to everyone in the country who votes for a Tory Party candidate in the coming general election.

The upbeat, almost-billionaire, was quick to dismiss naysayers who slammed the idea a risible gimmick smacking of desperation, with the writing now clearly on the wall for his cabinet of out of touch spivs and chancers.

'Not at all,' he told a puzzled Naga Munchetty. 'This landmark bribe... err... award, I mean, is long overdue and sits firmly alongside our key back of a fag packet twin pledges to bring back National Service and the subtle-as-a brick-in-the-face-but-better-late-than-never attempt to buy off our pensioners.

'What we're naming our 'plus two million' initiative, is a great deal for the country. It's being funded from the weekly £350 million we used to give to foreigners in the EU. Now, after eight years we have a pot of £144 billion to play with. It's another Brexit win. Rule Britannia. Oh, and maybe with a bit of luck with the bunce we might even get round to fixing some potholes.'

Image by PublicDomainPictures from Pixabay

Half a mannequin, two ducks, and a peg: 190 candidates short, Tory vetting gets desperate

Announcing a General Election, you'd think a government might have planned to have enough Generals in place. Not this one. With just a couple of weeks until the application deadline, the Conservatives are 190 candidates short in constituencies all over the UK.

In a last minute mad panic, vetting of candidates has slipped to a new low. One seat in Surrey Heath will literally be challenged by a seat. And not even a good one like a Recaro, just a rusty-legged, wonky, battered, old plastic village hall seat. With distasteful staining on it so grim, not even a mangy pigeon with diarrhoea would perch on it.

Another candidate in the Home Counties will be a clothes peg, and a broken compass with a constant spinning needle will be the Conservative choice in South Northamptonshire.

Not just one, but two ducks will challenge a flock of 100 feral chickens currently running the Norfolk village of Snettisham. And some dangerous air turbulence has been put forward as a candidate in the West Midlands. The main thinking being that at least it is grabbing some news headlines at the moment and voters might have heard of it.

One London borough will have the choice of half a contorted mannequin as their Tory MP. Intrigued, some voters are asking 'which half?'

And a bag of hangers will contest the Hartlepool election, but is still expected to win, given local appetite for bringing back the death penalty.

In perhaps the worst case of candidate vetting, residents in Somerset will be presented with the option of Jacob Rees-Mogg.

Picture credit: Wix AI

Alice's Adventures in National Service

'You look fed up with electioneering already,' the Wet Nit said in an anxious tone: 'let me tell you a policy to inspire you.'

'Is it very long?' Alice asked, for she had heard a good deal of campaigning that day.

'It's long,' said the Nit, 'but very, very important. Everybody that hears me proclaim it—either it brings the tears of laughter into their eyes, or else—'

'Or else what?' said Alice, for the Nit had made a sudden pause.

'Or else it doesn't, you know. The name of the policy is called 'National Service'.'

'Oh, that's the name of the policy, is it?' Alice said, trying to feel interested.

'No, you don't understand,' the Wet Nit said, looking a little vexed. 'That's what the name is called. The name really is 'Modern Culture'.'

'Then I ought to have said 'That's what the policy is called'?' Alice corrected herself.

'No, you oughtn't: that's quite another thing! The policy is called 'Community Service': but that's only what it's called, you know!'

'Well, what is the policy, then?' said Alice, who was by this time completely bewildered.

'I was coming to that,' the Wet Nit said. 'The policy really is 'Anything To Grab A Headline': and I'm making it up as I go along.'

Picture credit: Wix AI