Horsemen of the Apocalypse revealed as 'generous' Tory party donors

As riderless horses roamed the streets of central London, the Government accused the 'woke elite' of getting a little heavy-handed with their metaphors.

Tory intern Henry Hootington-Hurst said 'Is it the end of days or just a guerrilla marketing campaign for Lloyds Bank?'

'I looked, and behold, a pale horse. And the rider's name was Nigel Farage. What else? Boris Johnson is humping things and chanting in Latin - nothing new there. Michael Gove has assumed his reptilian form and is hissing at everyone he's double crossed - so that's everyone. Nadine Dorries is doing readings from her latest book - whilst speaking in tongues. All fairly standard stuff.'

'War, Famine, Pestilence and Death... they are simply four key Tory promises.'

image from pixabay

Lib Dems “forgot to produce manifesto for London Mayoral candidate”

There was embarrassment at Lib Dem headquarters today as it was revealed no one had bothered to write a manifesto for their candidate for London Mayor.

“Look, there’s only so many hours in the day,” said harassed party worker Jeremy Sandals. “There’s only enough money for a couple of full-time staff, the rest is done by volunteers, when they can fit it around their work for the Crafts Council and the Vegan Society.

”So naturally we tend to focus on things that seem worth doing. Council elections, for example, since we do win the occasional seat, and general elections of course.

”But London Mayor? The most we can do is split the liberal vote and let the Tories in, so we don’t really bother.

”All the same, we ought to go through the motions, so it’s a bit embarrassing we didn’t even write a manifesto this time. I’ll be looking into what went wrong, as soon as I get a spare moment.”

Pressed for more information, Sandals admitted he didn’t even know whose name they’d submitted as a candidate. “Bloody hell, it’s not me is it?”

image from pixabay

Rishi reveals his masterplan

Following the press statement by the Prime Minister the inevitable questions have been circulating.  When are they going?  When is HE going?  What airline is foolish enough to take Rishi's money?

We are going to answer all of these questions and more.  Unbeknownst to the general public the Prime Minister has avoided the potential embarrassment of failing to find an airline willing to risk its reputation by flying the refugees by dipping into his small change piggy bank and has bought British Airways.  He did consider buying RyanAir, but felt that was a low blow, even for refugees.

To avoid the problems with getting staff to fly the plane the Prime Minister has been learning to fly, mainly by cadging front row seats from Tory donors and by playing Flight Simulator on his X Box.  His first choice had been to train Liz Truss, but she only seemed capable of crashing things. 

The three hundred or so trained staff are actually all Tory MPs - predominantly those forecast to lose their seats once Sunak calls the election.  The motivation is that the nastiest MP on the flight will be promised the safest seat come the election, so unfortunately, we might not have seen the back of Gullis.

Finally, in answer to the continued questioning whenever Sunak claims the Rwanda flights are the 'will of the people', which has confused many pundits.  The people it is the will of are the people sat behind him in the House of Commons.  As most of them are forming the security detail they will still be sat behind him, all the way to Rwanda.  Here's hoping he's as inept at fuelling an aircraft as he was with a Kia.

Image: Pixabay/PublicdomainPictures