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Angela Rayner is Keyser Soze confirm Conservatives


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Capo dei capi Angela Rayner now stands accused of the Brinks Mat robbery, the disappearance of Shergar and being both Jack the Ripper and Harold Shipman. Several Tory MPs have been seen running away in tears after Rayner beat them up, gave them a wedgie and flushed their heads down the toilet.


'Is RAYNER coming to MURDER you. And worse, lower your house price?' screamed the Mail, clutching its pearls and the caps lock key.


Having been told to jump, British Broadcasting Conservative Laura Kuenssberg happily did so, to various heights and indeed lengths to keep the story in the news.


One Tory Lord said 'Rayner made me open a series of fraudulent shell companies in the Cayman Islands for siphoning public money. It's her fault there's no money for public services!'




Parents slacking on 'don't sit so close to the TV' advice


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The latest made up UK government figures to distract from the absolute carnage they are causing, demonstrate beyond doubt that parents are to blame for everything.


A crucially important announcement from Downing Street stated, 'All children, and grandparents who are not themselves parents should immediately forget everything Rishi Sunak, Liz Truss and Boris Johnson screwed up, and point the finger at mothers and fathers for the state of the nation.


'Since the 1970s and 80s, parents have not admonished their children for sitting so close to the telly. The words "you'll get radiation and go blind" should be heard by every child at least three times a day, even if there is no television in the household.


'This has led to the entire nation now sitting so close to laptop, tablet and mobile phone screens that they can actually tell what is going on. And we simply can't allow that happen.


'We are not a nanny state, but parents should take a serious look at themselves and go straight to bed without a wagon wheel and a glass of milk.'




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