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You are stale old Tories, the young voter said


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‘You are stale old Tories,’ the young voter said,

‘And your policies are all very thin;

And yet you incessantly big them all up—

Because there are voters to win.’


‘In my youth,’ said the Tory, remembering hard,

‘We feared that the workers would riot

But with pub prices low now and lots on TV

I am sure they will stay pretty quiet.’


‘You won’t save the planet,’ the young voter said,

‘Your policies simply aren’t green

You keep burning coal and you licence new mines

And your search for new oil is obscene.’


‘We love using power,’ the old Tory said,

‘On cooking and heating and telly.

And so we can’t ask the voters to give it all up

They’ll simply say not on your nelly.’


‘I can’t see my GP,’ the young voter said.

‘And A&E waits are just horrid.

So poo to your policies, no good at all,

Your election results will be torrid.’



With considerable apologies to Lewis Carroll




Tory Government to introduce law to say Brexit not shit

After tabling a bill saying that Rwanda, a country that doesn't extend fundamental Human Rights to even its own population, is a safe place for the UK to send refugees, the world's most vulnerable people, the Conservative Government is to enact a "Brexit isn't shit" law.


"A lot of people who were very vocal about Brexit before it happened have been forced to go very quiet when people even mention it, obliged to mumble something about boat migrants or Coutts bank account closures," said the new Brexit Isn't Shit Minister, François Duncan-Jacobs.


"This legislation empowers these voiceless victims of facts, enabling them to point to it and emphatically say: 'there!'". The new law will hold the distinction of being the world's shortest law, it's length designed to fall within the famous Brexiteer 3-word attention span.


A consultation on the roll-out of similar 'not shit' laws found it would significantly improve all areas of Government, especially the department of environment, which plans to end pollution of Britain's waterways with a 'shit isn't shit' law.




Sunak unveils £30B "Excuse-o-tron"


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Prime Minister Rishi Sunak today unveiled the UK government funded "Excuse-o-tron" costing the tax-payer over thirty billion pounds.


"I am delighted to unveil this vital, UK developed technology today of all todays," he told a hastily put together press briefing, "gone are the days of 'leaves on the line' or the 'wrong type of snow'!" He continued, "This technology guarantees plausible, bite sized, media friendly excuses in a fraction of time it takes our convential, manual spin doctors. This technology could save us time, stress and most important may even save us at the next election." The ammased press laughed heartily.


As a demonstration, Mr Sunak asked the "Excuse-o-tron" to explain the recent Conservative by-election losses. The machine popped up a constantly shifting word cloud with phrases like "protest vote", "problematic predecessors", "low turn-out", "voter apathy" and "mid-term fatigue".


The demonstration took a more sinister turn as the word cloud then start to spurt out words such as "George Soros", "The Deep State", "Q" whilst emitting a loud curious, monotone wailing before finally replacing the word cloud with one word, "CORBYN!".


The demonstration was quickly brought to a halt by scientists heard to whisper, "quickly before it goes full Farage!"


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