The Tories are proposing a 'maximum extraction strategy' for ketchup and sauce bottles. New legislation will require sauce bottles to have a wide neck so that you can at least get a knife in, if not a spoon.
Britons are estimated to waste 40 tonnes of sauce a day because extracting the last bit is virtually impossible.
Image credit: perchance.org
The Schools Minister has told Newsbiscuit that no other government in the world has identified more crumbling schools in danger of imminent collapse than the current Conservative one, so it’s an achievement the government is very proud of.
“Every year since the Conservatives came to power in 2010, we’ve added more deathtraps to the list” he said. This isn’t something the Labour party will tell you they did and it’s important that people know at the next election, that the Labour party never even made a list of crumbling schools.”
When asked why nothing was done to address the risk these schools present to the lives of children and staff, the balding twat said “Obviously the current government can’t be held to account for what happened under the Cameron, May, Johnson and Truss governments and we have to move on, but what I will say is they worked hard to enable Britain to exit the EU and enjoy all the benefits that brought.”
We asked when he anticipated the closed schools would be able to reopen but were told it’s impossible for him to say, because an election will be happening at some time and if the voters are fickle enough to vote for a different government, the matter would be out of their hands and in any case, it depends on how long it would take to import the materials required for the repairs to be carried out.
First published 3 Sep 23
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Do TV schedulers copy each other? It certainly seems that way, as the airwaves this autumn are filled with game shows that have a political twist.
Here is a quick rundown.
No Deal or No Deal - a game show that challenges contestants to fix the Northern Ireland protocol
Tipping Point - contestants win prizes by correctly guessing where raw sewage is being discharged, and in what quantity
Beat the Chaser - government ministers don't have to answer any questions, as long as they can stay ahead of the chaser. Dominic Cummings stars.
Who Wants to be a Millionaire - a quiz show for people who want to win government PPE contracts, often by phoning a friend
Tenable - a competition to find out which of the Tory leadership candidates are Number Ten-able
Total Wipeout - another competition to find the next Tory leader, but with the tantalising prospect of some serious injuries
Jeux sans Frontieres - England, Wales, Scotland, Northern Ireland and Sark compete to be crowned European Champions
Insert Name Here - Sue Perkins leads the search for the next Tory leader
Changing Rooms - Keir Starmer has to redecorate 10 Downing Street with a budget of £4.50
Countdown - contestants try to guess the date of the next General Election
This is my House - Tory hopefuls try to convince Lord Sugar that they could live at Number 10
Two shows didn't make the cut. Political Naked Attraction was judged repulsive by focus groups and all tapes have been confiscated by party whips. And although pilot episodes of Political Pointless were filmed, they will not be aired because contestants found it far too easy to spot pointless policies.
First published 31 Aug 2022
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