Number 10 Downing Street says, “Nothing to do with me."

Following a plethora of sleaze, corruption and party scandals levelled at Number 10, the building itself has spoke to distance itself from those who live and work within its walls.

'You have to separate Me, Number 10, a rather splendid 17th Century town house, from ‘Number 10’, the less than splendid, festering sores that are currently giving me such a bad name.' it explained.

'When fingers are pointed at ‘Number 10’, that’s not me. Unless they’re tourists, in which case they probably will be pointing fingers, cameras and phones at me. But when they mention on the news, "the noises coming from Number 10", they do mean some dickhead downstairs who has opened his gob, not my aching 350-year-old joints.'

Such is the dissatisfaction that Number 10 is feeling right now, it is considering moving out. Although Number 11 has said it can’t see that happening immediately as over the years they have become very attached.

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Government denies that it's one rule for them and another rule for everyone else

The government has categorically denied that it’s one rule for them and another rule for everyone else.

'On the contrary,' said a spokesperson today, 'It’s one rule for us and literally millions of rules for everyone else. Definitely way more than one.'

According to government insiders, the one rule for them is:

'Do what you like and don’t get caught.'

Ministers agree that this is a simple, easy to follow, rule. It cuts down on internal bureaucracy, lets government get on with its business and, indeed, pleasure, unsupervised.

The myriad of rules for us include:

‘No sneezing without a hat’

‘No parties until we tell you’

‘Don’t ask stupid questions’

‘No cheese after 5pm on a Thursday, unless accompanied by a vicar.’ (This only applies in Berkshire)

‘No hairstyle jokes’

‘No bathing’

‘No dogs on skateboards’

For our convenience the government has collected these rules into a handy-sized booklets called ‘statutes’. There is a copy in the house of commons library but no one has read them because they don’t need to.

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