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Tory MPs sorted into ‘rape suspects’, ‘quitters’ and ‘candidates’



In a move designed to help voters know who not to vote for, all Conservative MPs are to be categorised according to whether they have been charged with a sexual offence, have thrown in the towel or wish to be considered for re-election. Some will be in two categories i.e. arrested for rape but decided to stand anyway.


‘An MP is innocent until proven guilty’, a spokesman reminded us. ‘Just because a person has been arrested on suspicion of (checks notes) rape and drug offences, doesn’t mean they’ve done anything wrong’.


The Party will produce a slimmed-down list of ‘sitting MPs who have not yet been found out or given up’ so that voters know who to ignore when the General Election finally comes.


Plans to include a category of ‘corruption and/or selling access to Parliament’ was rejected on the basis that it might be considered ‘entrepreneurial’ and therefore good for the economy.


Tory manifesto balance between destroying business, NHS and planet



Senior Conservative planners say the party's manifesto for the next election is a delicate balance between destroying business with Brexit, destroying the NHS and polluting the planet to death.


'It's a real dilemma that we have to solve,' explained Alexander Grayling-Farquar-Farquar. 'If we destroy the NHS it can be sold to big business, but that's the same big business we're hoping to destroy with Brexit. Coupled with that, we've the balance between destroying the planet and short term electoral gain. Actually, when you put it like that, there's only one option.'

Entire pod of 55 Conservative MPs dies after mass stranding on beach


An entire pod of 55 Conservative MPs has died after a mass stranding on a western beach. Only 15 were alive after they washed onto a beach at South Torrie on the Isle of Lobbyist at about 07:00 on Sunday morning.


Marine charity British Diverse Life Rescue (BDLR) attempted to refloat one of the more active MPs but he was then re-stranded. The decision was taken to end the careers of the remaining MPs on welfare grounds. Lobbyist Isles Council has asked people to avoid the area as a clean-up operation began.


The BDLR released an update on Sunday evening which said that one of the defunct MPs appeared to have had a scandal. This led them to suspect that the whole pod stranded due to one MP giving a press conference.

Conservative MPs are known for their strong social bonds, so often when one gets into difficulty and strands, the rest follow.


A further three MPs then resigned leaving 12 still active - eight males and four females. A statement said: 'At about 15:30, the local GP along with the Coastguard, Fire and Rescue, and a forensics doctor came to the conclusion that the shallow beach and rough wave conditions made it too unsafe to refloat the remaining politicians' careers.


'Considering how long the MPs had been out of the media in addition to the poor conditions, it was decided that their careers should be culled on welfare grounds.'




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