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The Tory guide to saving water

Writer: apepper
apepper
Aug 18



1. First things first, get the gardener to put the cover on your pool when your not using it. During these hot days, you can prevent evaporation and save on heating. Its down to Labour education failings that pool management isn't taught in schools


2. Don't empty your Jacuzzi after use, let your servants have a go. Normally, of course, you'd instruct your man to drain and clean your Jacuzzi once you've finished but why not charge him a few quid for the honour to be allowed to use your water.


3. Use a hosepipe ban loophole. This is a clever plan, hosepipes are banned but a chain of lads with buckets is completely above board; get a few of the staff onto it.


4. Replace all your lawns and plants with plastic equivalents. Think about it; these don't need watering, cutting or pruning - so there's a saving on staff.


5. Spend the summer in your Swiss chalet. This is an obvious move, but needs some planning - you need to get the UK staff onto zero hours contracts so you don't waste money paying them when your not there. If you need extra staff out there, why not get them jobs as Ryanair cabin staff - then they can fly out for free.


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First published 18 Aug 2022


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Government shows how unlike Nazis they are by swiftly and ruthlessly silencing dissent

Writer: Benvoleo
Benvoleo
Mar 13


The non-Nazi credentials of the Conservative Government were unmistakeable when they forced someone off air for not blindly towing the Government line.


“This quelling of free-speech is so unlike anything Nazis would do that I’m insulted you’d make that comparison” said Suella Braverman, Minister for Propaganda and Public Enlightenment.


Some people have said that any TV presenter who implied the Government was in any way like Nazis was not impartial and that they should be replaced with an unquestioning Government mouthpiece. These were exactly the same people who loudly boast that they’d have bravely spoken up in the face of Nazi censorship.


Preparations are currently in full-swing at Whitehall for Not Act Like A Nazi Day, on April 30th - Hitler’s Birthday. The celebration has been introduced by the Government to prove they’re not like Nazis by brutally persecuting anyone who says they are, then saying “see”.


Asked if the Tory Government was efficiently evil like the Nazis, a leading Historian of 20th century Germany said “not really…the Nazis were efficient.”




First published 13 Mar 2023


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