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It will, eventually, all be the fault of Reform

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The labour party has been so busy blaming the nasty wicked evil Tories for everything it hasn't been able to fix, that it hasn't noticed that the Tories are no longer any kind of electoral threat.


'Perhaps we need to accept that the rotten, wretched Reform party is a greater threat' said a spokessomethingorother-close-to-the-Labour party.  'And realise that if we lose to them in the next election, we might have to put up with them for a while.  But we will then have to decide whether we will still be "not-the-Tory party", or will have to change our entire electoral strategy and become "not-the-Reform party", and blame the rotten-wretched-Reform party for everything which will have gone wrong, instead of continuing, for ever, to attribute the blame for absolutely everything entirely to the nasty-wicked-evil-Tory party.'


'Are we capable of re-orientating our entire political philosophy so fundamentally?  As usual, as is our tradition, we don't know / aren't sure / haven't made up our minds - so no change there.  And anyway, we  can always change our minds again afterwards, if we ever do make a decision.'




Robert Jenrick pioneers new ventriloquist act with “Judgie”


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Robert Jenrick, once considered a possible contender for leadership of the Conservative Party, has instead struck out in the direction of vaudeville.


Holding up a puppet he called “Judgie”, which in fact consisted of nothing but a judge’s wig, he debuted his new act in front of Tory Party workers in a bizarre and surreal meeting in Pease Pottage.


'Hello, Judgie,' said Jenrick. “What have you been up to lately?'


'Well, I’ve been restricting people’s legal right to free assembly and protest,' replied the puppet, prompting Jenrick to look at the audience in mock surprise. 


'You can’t do that, Judgie,' he continued. 'People have a right to express their opinions, even if you disagree with them.'


The puppet then turned to Jenrick, saying, 'What are you, some kind of pinko Guardian reader? We know what to do with people like you!” Jenrick was then dragged offstage by uniformed thugs while the puppet shouted “Put him on a flight to Rwanda,' to roars of laughter from the audience.


Jenrick's act was followed by a speech by the current Tory Party Chair, a red-velvet upholstered wing back which spoke of the need to restrict immigration and the way foreigners sometimes don’t integrate properly into British society.


Watching the speech live at Reform Party HQ (aka Wetherspoons in Thurrock), Richard Tice remarked to Nigel Farage, 'You said that without moving your lips.'

Tories set out their new pollicies


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The Tories got a lot of media attention for their misspelled chocolate bars with 'Britian' written on them at last week's party conference..


Keen to cappitalize on this, and to secure more meeja attention, the Tories are publicising their misdirected policies with misspelled press releases.


The top pollicies are:


Abbolishing stamp duty on houses, to help the ritch


Stopping asilum seakers


Abbolishing the sentencing council, and the spelling counsel


Leaving CHER


Raising standards in educayshun


A spokeswonk denied that the party was deliberately misspelling things in order to attract Reform voters.


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