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Man who lived off worms and urine employed as consultant by Thérèse Coffey


Jhonatan Acosta who spent a month in the Amazon jungle eating worms and drinking his own urine has been employed by Environment secretary Thérèse Coffey.


Ms Coffey explained: 'Government forecasts suggests that turnips might be something of a luxury item in months to come, but as farmers will tell you, worms are plentiful throughout the year and the government has been stockpiling urine for many years - when we take the piss, we don't just chuck it away. Mr Acosta will be advising the department as we produce a new document entitled 'What to do when the turnips run out.'




UK experiences "anomaly" in the economy.


Observers say that they are "disappointed" after the UK economy nosed-dived after the much anticipated relaunch failed to gain enough height.

The pilot, Captain Sunak, made a safe take off of the PM 3 Dumbo. He then released the Hunt engineered Econ-bomb vehicle. All was thought to be going well. However, failure followed as the second stage failed. Pundits believe that the "anomaly" was caused by a lack of maths skills coupled with the failure of the 5-point booster which failed to move the craft into the anticipated orbit.

It has emerged that the take off nearly didn't take place at all as they had invited a Mr Kwarteng to make the countdown:

10, 9, 3, 6, 5, 2, 8, 1 Zero.

Ukraine sick of laundering the underpants of sh*t UK politicians


Whenever a government minister totally craps the British bed we all have to lie in, they run away to Ukraine to have a bit of the Zelenskyy magic rub off on them. It cleanses the ills, dirt and utter filth, at least until the moment they return and immediately diarrhoea it all up again. It is known in Conservative circles as "Ukraine Washing".


'Unfortunately, there are so many Tories constantly fouling everything back home that there is a very long queue here,' sighed General Melnyk, of the Kyiv Guard. 'We could have panned the arses off those bloody Russians by now and stuffed them back in their shitty box - or poo tin, as it translates in Ukrainian - if we didn't have to keep stopping to smile and pretend we give a festering turd about what some dupka has shat up in Britain.


A Whitehall cleaning lady confirmed, 'You wouldn't think so much could come out of something so tiny. Rishi will just have to take himself and his pants full of excrement to the Russian laundromat instead. You know, the one round the corner here in Londongrad.'

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