Fantasy Government League - Tory Disunited

The next round of Fantasy Government League is already causing a lot of head-scratching for the manager of the Tory footer XI.

First of these is who to nominate as captain. Doubling up your points for that MP is normally seen as a positive thing. But if your selected player ends up with a negative score, twice that is worse than ever. So, do they stick with Sunak, or switch to a new captain? There are no guarantees. But then again, a real wildcard might just be the answer to their shortage of goals. Oh, if only they'd kept hold of that charismatic little tousle-haired blonde American lad. He might have been able to knock up a few.

Even if that problem is solved the next issue is can they field a full team? Many of the regular squad have already announced their unavailability at the end of this season. Others have suffered injuries - mainly shooting themselves in the foot. And several have been given red cards, meaning automatic suspensions. The usual response to this situation is to buy replacement players. But who would join a relegation-threatened side with further points deductions looming due to financial irregularities? Things have come to a pretty pass indeed when the Premier League is the moral arbiter of the Government.

Finally, if enough players can be found, it's not often that a team lines up with an unconventional 10-0-0 formation. No attacking forwards, no midfield strategists, and simply ten bodies from the supporters' club pressed in to service as makeshift defenders. Where, oh where, is that big red Brexit campaign vehicle? If ever there were a time to 'park the bus' this surely is it. A £350 million bribe to the Saudi league buys you nothing these days!

Government contracts ‘not expensive enough’ to support political parties

Conservative Party insiders fear that the profit margin on Government contracts is insufficient to support a thriving political economy.

‘Everybody goes on about TPP and the £400 million contract they won’, a spokesman said. ‘Out of that measly £400 million they’ll have costs, expenses – I don’t know what their margin was but let’s say 10% for sake of argument. £15 million tribute out of a puny £40 million – we’re supposed to be the low taxation party, goddammit.'

The Conservative Party has always been expensive to run, partly because it needs an unimaginable pile of gold to pay for the kind of marketing effort which might make shape-shifting predators appear cuddly, and partly because of Michael Gove’s nose.

‘It’s easy for Labour, they’re not trying to make sex pests and common criminals look electable’, the spokesman said. ‘Thank God they don’t have a plan. Ours is written in a special book in a safe at Tufton Street. Oh shit, I’m not supposed to . . .’

The only true wisdom is in knowing you know nothing - Socrates