Kwarteng to save the economy by playing Haaland

Rapidly running out of ideas, the Chancellor has decided to adopt the tactics of every lazy fantasy football manager. 'Haaland is going to net me 30 goals a season, which is a net gain - literally. By harnessing his electric pace, we can also solve the energy crisis at the same time.'

An aide explained: 'Rather than give the super rich tax breaks, all millionaires will be entitled to a twenty minute piggy back, on Erling's strong Nordic shoulders. Struggling to pay your bills? Just say the word and Erlin will thump your mortgage advisor.'

The Chancellor assured people that 80% of the economy could be powered by Haaland merchandise and the other 20% by the kinetic energy of Man Utd fans running for cover. Whatever the problem, Haaland is the solution (unless, of course, you are Harry Maguire).

EXCLUSIVE: Leaked details of Truss's upcoming keynote conference speech

NewsBiscuit has exclusively acquired a leaked transcript of Liz Truss's keynote address to be given to the assembled geriatrics and right wing reactionary crackpots at next week's Tory Party Conference in Birmingham.

Among many things, the document reveals the central plank in the prime minister's plan to unveil long-awaited measures to benefit the poor and underprivileged who are struggling to make ends meet.

In one passage sure to play well with delegates Ms. Truss will say:

"Conference, we're not the party of heartlessness. No (pause for sycophantic applause) We have listened to the people and I am proud to announce this. Rather than give the poor generous cash handouts, which they'll only squander on booze and fags, we shall go one step better. Instead, every day they will all receive a rosy apple free gratis with no strings attached. This is caring conservatism at its finest. (take a beat of ten for wave of uncontrolled adulation to build through the auditorium).

That's levelling up in action and at its best, conference! Because do you know, an apple sliced extremely finely is more than enough to feed a family of six. Of course, a good knife with the keenest of blades is key, but then doesn't every household in the the land have one? And if not, surely those who don't can acquire a Sabatier from John Lewis Online. Even the most hopeless have the Internet... don't they?

But, conference we will not stop there. To ensure the poor do not feel demonised, pitied or patronised, we have arranged for a queuing system to be implemented at the rear of each and every one of the major supermarkets, just next to the skips, where lucky recipients can line up to get this extraordinary and much needed boost to their finances, safely out of sight of prying eyes."

More extracts to follow tomorrow.

www.newsbiscuit.com

The Tory guide to saving water

1. First things first, get the gardener to put the cover on your pool when your not using it. During these hot days, you can prevent evaporation and save on heating. Its down to Labour education failings that pool management isn't taught in schools

2. Don't empty your Jacuzzi after use, let your servants have a go. Normally, of course, you'd instruct your man to drain and clean your Jacuzzi once you've finished but why not charge him a few quid for the honour to be allowed to use your water.

3. Use a hosepipe ban loophole. This is a clever plan, hosepipes are banned but a chain of lads with buckets is completely above board; get a few of the staff onto it.

4. Replace all your lawns and plants with plastic equivalents. Think about it; these don't need watering, cutting or pruning - so there's a saving on staff.

5. Spend the summer in your Swiss chalet. This is an obvious move, but needs some planning - you need to get the UK staff onto zero hours contracts so you don't waste money paying them when your not there. If you need extra staff out there, why not get them jobs as Ryanair cabin staff - then they can fly out for free.