Boy, 9, furious after Tories steal the collage he made for a school project

Oscar Oldroyd, 9, said 'We were supposed to make a collage of some British things, so I cut out a picture of the King and the England men's football team - I'm 9, so I don't yet grasp the difference between England and Britain. Adults do though... right?'

'My photo of Rishi Sunak was his of weird prolonged laugh when he doesn't want to answer a question - not him trying to look statesmanlike whilst wearing trousers that would fit me. They must have photoshopped that. As a 9 year old, I've lived through 5 Tory PMs and 1 lettuce. Anyway, they stole my picture, I'm lawyering up.'

Tory intern Henry Hootington-Hurst said 'If that 9 year old lawyers up, we'll leave the ECHR to make sure he doesn't have the right to a fair trial. Then we can throw that pint-sized enemy of the people and his family into a gulag on the Isle of Wight.'

Image: freestocks-photos - Pixabay

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Tory MPs to receive training in fumblebragging

Not satisfied with the plain old humblebrag, Conservative MPs are being coached to level down their game to a new low.

'Senior government ministers can be trained to do even less,' said Georgina Long, a presentation coach earning £800 an hour tax-free from taxpayer money to make an ineffective Cabinet even more destructive.

'Why stop at humblebragging, when one can also incorporate a colossal self-evident cock-up in the form of a fumblebrag? The entire Civil Service is now completely dedicated to covering for the hideous nonsense politicians do and say instead of making things work, so this is the future of high-level government personnel coaching.

'For example, where a Chancellor might've said that they are just a down-to-earth chap of the people who slums it in diamond-encrusted sliders, what they should be saying is that they are just a down-to-earth chap of the people slumming it in diamond-encrusted sliders who has also just blown the national disability budget on aid to off-shore palace owners.

'Do you see?

'Now come on Prime Minister, you can do this. Repeat after me... I'm just a boy in front of an electorate asking it if my testicles are banging it in the chin too hard WHILE I tax small boats for not being big luxury yachts channelling non-dom chums into lucrative directorships...'

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Sunak: Tory Party is an extremist anti democratic organisation

Prime Minister and shiny suited little boy tribute act, Rishi Sunak, has declared that Britain must face down the right-wing extremist organisations undermining democracy, like the Conservative Party. 

Tory intern Henry Hootington-Hurst attempted to put Sunak's words in historical context: 'He got the special podium out didn't he? So that means it's important.'

'Rishi Sunak wasn't elected as PM. He replaced the previous incumbent, a lettuce, who outlasted the previous unelected PM Liz Truss, who replaced unelected PM (and convicted criminal) Boris Johnson, who replaced unelected PM Theresa May, who replaced David Cameron who wasn't elected either and needed the Lib Dems to beat unelected PM Gordon Brown.'

Hootington-Hurst added 'Rishi says this proves it's all the fault of Labour and the years the UK spent under the crushing yolk of a Corbyn Government.' 

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