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English Tourist Board calls for 'more interesting' murders


Tourism bosses have expressed 'dismay' at the grubby, unphotogenic nature of so many murders nowadays.


'We had one last week, lovely picturesque English village, honeysuckle round the vicarage door, cobbled streets, church bells – some nobody murdered his wife – also of no social status – after too much to drink. Would it have been too much trouble to kill a professor instead? Or to have left anagram clues? I despair'.


The only things keeping English tourism alive are the Royal Family and quaint murders. The ETB is rumoured to be hacked off with the Royal Family also, but they don't voice their concerns in case it scuppers the odd gong down the line.


'England is known for its carefully crafted murders', a spokesman told us. 'Curare, vicars, maybe a vintage car or two. Americans love it. We've asked for GCSE Poisoning to be reintroduced to the curriculum. Can't think why they ever cancelled it'.


Netflix have joined the ETB's campaign, highlighting the boost to the economy from telegenic murders. 'We bring around ten million of your quaint English pounds into the country when we film a mini-series', a mogul said. 'So a retired sea captain and a coupla spinsters hit the deck a little early. So what? We all have to go'.


Carlisle Castle to be put inside giant goldfish bowl

"We can think of no better way of drawing international tourists to the North-West of England," said a spokes-fridge magnet for Visit Britain, "than to build a large glass bowl around the ancient edifice of Carlisle Castle, flood it, and then put in a school of goldfish.


"The castle may have been an important defensive structure in the Middle Ages, guarding the border with Scotland," it continued, "but this is the 21st Century and it must move with the times.


This initiative will put Carlisle on the world map, and be a treat for hundreds of Cyprinidae."


"If they say this is the way for Carlisle to revive its economy, then so be it," said the town's mayor, "but local residents aren't happy at the prospect of living in the shadow of a vast medieval-themed aquarium. We're not Dubai, you know."


Visit Britain has been told it must keep up with all the eye-catching gimmicks coming out of the Middle East tourist trap Dubai, which has just built a life size replica of itself in the desert.


Other schemes for the UK include putting the Houses of Parliament inside a snow globe and turning Keir Starmer into a souvenir teddy bear.



Furious Trump withdraws thousands of US tourists from Europe


Incensed by the attitude of European countries to his war in the Middle East, Trump will be pulling back several brigades of dumb and deeply irritating US tourists from the continent.


Piqued by Spain not letting him use its air bases to bomb Iranian children, Trump will withdraw 2,000 tourists who've been wandering around Madrid, wondering why it doesn't look like Milwaukee.


He will recall 1,000 tourists from Italy who have been infuriating restauranteers by telling them how well they've learnt to cook that classic American invention, the pizza.


And he will bring back 5,000 tourists from Germany who've been strutting around Baden Baden like they own the place and arrogantly telling the locals that if it weren't for them, they'd all be speaking German.




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