Tourists turn UK's cutest cathedral cities into riot zones

Police battling neo-Nazis in balaclavas in Portsmouth and Dover have been pulled off the job to break up riots in abbey ruins and antique shops from Harrogate to St Austells, all of which have been sparked by the new tourist tax on overnight stays.

'I signed up for a three-week tour of England's historic castles,' said Ingrid from Sweden, hurling a brick through the windows of a Visit Britain branch in Kenilworth. 'Then they put a 5% levy on my hotel bill and I'm having to sleep on the streets for the last week of my holiday.'

'They say they'll cap the tourist tax at 5%,' said Kamikaze Hirohito from Nagasaki, up-ending tables in the Polly Tearooms in Marlborough. 'But I bet it'll be just like student tuition fees. They'll hike and hike the rate until we're thousands of quid in debt and having to spend the rest of our lives paying it off.'

In Canterbury, Winchester and Durham, militants from the Tourists Revolutionary Party hurled souvenir fridge magnets and packets of shortbread at police lines. Government ministers are in talks with tour leaders to try and persuade them to appeal for calm.

Image: Chbec - Pixabay

Forest fires boosted Hampshire economy by £12m

Researchers for the Hampshire Business Improvement Network say that wildfires in the New Forest have boosted the local economy.

'There is a good news story here,' said a spokesman. 'It's not all about ecological damage and frightened ponies. The fires did attract extra visitors and those visitors spent money on food and drink, accommodation and fire extinguishers. We reckon that the total benefit is around £12m. That's impressive, as businesses had little time to source commemorative t-shirts or packs of Original Hand Made Hampshire Forest Fire Fudge.'

'Of course, we're not suggesting that we should repeat the fires any time soon. It's difficult to market wildfires as a tourist attraction without seeming ghoulish. Having said that, £12m is a significant boost to local businesses, and times are hard...

Image credit: perchance.org

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English Tourist Board calls for 'more interesting' murders

Tourism bosses have expressed 'dismay' at the grubby, unphotogenic nature of so many murders nowadays.

'We had one last week, lovely picturesque English village, honeysuckle round the vicarage door, cobbled streets, church bells – some nobody murdered his wife – also of no social status – after too much to drink. Would it have been too much trouble to kill a professor instead? Or to have left anagram clues? I despair'.

The only things keeping English tourism alive are the Royal Family and quaint murders. The ETB is rumoured to be hacked off with the Royal Family also, but they don't voice their concerns in case it scuppers the odd gong down the line.

'England is known for its carefully crafted murders', a spokesman told us. 'Curare, vicars, maybe a vintage car or two. Americans love it. We've asked for GCSE Poisoning to be reintroduced to the curriculum. Can't think why they ever cancelled it'.

Netflix have joined the ETB's campaign, highlighting the boost to the economy from telegenic murders. 'We bring around ten million of your quaint English pounds into the country when we film a mini-series', a mogul said. 'So a retired sea captain and a coupla spinsters hit the deck a little early. So what? We all have to go'.

Image: George Ciobra (@george_ciobra) | Unsplash Photo Community