Food delivery cyclist accidentally obeys red traffic light

A food delivery cyclist has been roundly condemned by the peloton of all cyclists everywhere, for accidentally obeying a red light at a junction. 

In a tearful statement, the cyclist kept their visor on so as not to be identified. In a pair of fluffy gloves attached to some handlebars, they typed their statement into a phone, whilst not looking where they were going.

'Usually I interpret a red light as a visceral challenge to my existence. It's like a red rag to a bull. If there's a green man and I can also plough through some pedestrians so much the better. Extra credit for weaving dangerously between lorries and buses. In my defence, I may have confused the red light for pedestrians with the red light for road traffic.

'I have brought shame on the cycling community, the likes of which not even Lance Armstrong could contemplate. It's weird that he was dating Sheryl Crow, right? Still, if it makes you happy...'

Image credit: ChatGPT

Political party colours to be used in supermarket goods traffic light campaign

An innovative policy, soon to be launched by the government, is to have foodstuffs labelled with a colour-coding scheme, based on linking the healthiness of supermarket food, to the colours political parties identify themselves.

A spokesliar for the government told Newsbiscuit, that after countless focus group meetings, it had been established that the best way to get people to realise how harmful crap food is to their health, is to link it to other things they’ve realised are damaging to their health, such as voting for the effing Tories.

The colour-coding scheme identifies Reform UK turquoise as the most toxic, with Conservative blue, close behind.

Liberal orange is identified as probably safe, but likely to be devoid of any flavour.

Labour red scores highly in the traffic light scheme in terms of health, but a surprise, was finding green gets a poor rating, as the expectation is that Jeremy Corbyn’s new party would drain the Green Party of all its vegan and bleedin’ cyclist voters, leading to uncertainty over the dietary value of any food product carrying a green label.

image from pixabay

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Know the Snow Warning code!

As The Met Office has released Snow Warnings across the UK, NewsBiscuit has released a helpful guide:

Green Snow Warning: might be medicines you’re taking, or a liver disease, but knowing you skanks you could just stop swallowing your mouthwash.

Amber Snow Warning: you’re probably dehydrated; a lot of sport, a high protein muscle building diet, or after-match drinks with the team can all dehydrate you, but so can sinking a bottle of plonk on your own while crying incessantly, and I think we know which this was, don’t we?

Red Snow Warning: if you’re not on your period, it could be additives, or even beetroot, but you should probably get yourself checked out at the doctor’s in case of prostate problems or kidney stones, or a GUM clinic for STIs…probably best to go there first, TBH.

Image: Stable Diffusion Online (stablediffusionweb.com)