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An innovative policy, soon to be launched by the government, is to have foodstuffs labelled with a colour-coding scheme, based on linking the healthiness of supermarket food, to the colours political parties identify themselves.


A spokesliar for the government told Newsbiscuit, that after countless focus group meetings, it had been established that the best way to get people to realise how harmful crap food is to their health, is to link it to other things they’ve realised are damaging to their health, such as voting for the effing Tories.


The colour-coding scheme identifies Reform UK turquoise as the most toxic, with Conservative blue, close behind.


Liberal orange is identified as probably safe, but likely to be devoid of any flavour.


Labour red scores highly in the traffic light scheme in terms of health, but a surprise, was finding green gets a poor rating, as the expectation is that Jeremy Corbyn’s new party would drain the Green Party of all its vegan and bleedin’ cyclist voters, leading to uncertainty over the dietary value of any food product carrying a green label.


image from pixabay



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As The Met Office has released Snow Warnings across the UK, NewsBiscuit has released a helpful guide:


Green Snow Warning: might be medicines you’re taking, or a liver disease, but knowing you skanks you could just stop swallowing your mouthwash.


Amber Snow Warning: you’re probably dehydrated; a lot of sport, a high protein muscle building diet, or after-match drinks with the team can all dehydrate you, but so can sinking a bottle of plonk on your own while crying incessantly, and I think we know which this was, don’t we?


Red Snow Warning: if you’re not on your period, it could be additives, or even beetroot, but you should probably get yourself checked out at the doctor’s in case of prostate problems or kidney stones, or a GUM clinic for STIs…probably best to go there first, TBH.



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Abandoning the UK's traffic light travel system, in place since 1868, could put drivers at risk, says the leading motoring organisation.


Under the new rules, motorists won't be required to stop anywhere. It means that fully vaccinated drivers will no longer have to pull over in red list cities such as Birmingham and risk being infected by a virulent local dialect.


Audi drivers such as Nigel Palmer, 43, from Bromley, broadly welcomed the move: 'I'll miss running red lights, of course, but it means we can still carry on not stopping at pelican crossings, even when there are kiddies about, which is great news.'


A government spokesman explained that the old system was not fit for purpose and was in dire need of an overhaul. 'It was a highly confusing system. All that red, red and amber, amber, green nonsense just stopped hard-working people going about their business. It can now go back to Brussels, where it belongs.'


The President of the National Association of Cyclists didn't see what all the fuss was about, simply asking: 'What on earth are traffic lights?'





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