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JK Rowling axes Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw from new adaptation; claims "two houses are plenty"


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JK Rowling is set to halve the number of Hogwarts houses in the upcoming HBO adaptation of her beloved children's classic.


The controversial author stated that more than two houses felt gratuitous, and that Slytherin and Gryffindor would suffice for categorizing 11 year olds, otherwise things would get confusing. "You are fundamentally either a Gryffindor or a Slytherin. Good or Bad. Snake or Lion."


Rowling is also rumoured to omit a pivotal scene from her first novel in which Harry begs to be placed in Gryffindor despite the Sorting Hat classifying him as a Slytherin, stating that: "To place a Slytherin in Gryffindor simply because he feels like a Gryffindor throws the common room doors open for any and all Slytherins who wish to come inside. Feeling "brave" and wearing red does not a Gryffindor make, and to suggest so undermines the lived experience of Gryffindors everywhere."


Transfiguration is also to be vetoed from the Hogwarts curriculum.


Cara



www.newsbiscuit.com

Transspecies criminal sent to zoo


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In yet another story illustrating how Scotland's justice system is way more enlightened than the rest of the UK, a convicted criminal has won the right to be sentenced in line with his self-declared species.


Kevin McTaggart, who wishes from now on to be known as Lum Lum, praised Nicola Sturgeon's decision to respect his identity as a panda bear without asking for any evidence that it was true, or indeed possible.


It's thought McTaggart will spend 10-15 years at Edinburgh zoo, with possible early release for good behaviour eg posing for photos with tourists, eating up all his bamboo and not throwing shit.


However, McTaggart was less pleased to learn he would be expected to mate with the zoo's female panda and produce cubs.


"Er... I'm a female panda myself, did I not mention? I'm sure I've got a gender recognition certificate here somewhere..."



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