Quintuple A Stars for Quentins and Tarquins everywhere

The wealthy parents of privileged children have been posting insufferable guff on Instagram as A level results are published in England, #deserved #blessed

Many of the schools that those children were sent to have annual fees in the tens of thousands of pounds - thus, for tax purposes, these schools pretend to be charities. Meanwhile, children from underprivileged backgrounds who achieve even better results can look forward to being unable to afford the cost of university.

Tabloid photo editors confirmed that they were only looking for 'posh leggy blondes, either jumping or hugging', for their front pages, with one hack noting 'some of those fine fillies can aspire to becoming the wives of the stockbrokers, management consultants and Tory MPs of the future. Huzzah! '

Photo by Ivan Aleksic on Unsplash

University defends offering prospective students a lifetime’s supply of condoms

The University of Barking, formerly the Polytechnic of the Isle of Dogs, has defended its unusual offer to new students. To attract students through the clearing system, the University is offering a lifetime’s supply of prophylactics, in a range of styles, colours and flavours.

These are ‘inappropriate inducements’, according to critics.

Universities are engaged in a mad scramble to sign up students through the clearing system, due to better than expected A level grades. Universities are desperate to maximise student numbers, in order to maximise their funding, and have resorted to increasingly bizarre tactics to ensure success.

Some universities have offered cash prizes or rent-free accommodation. Others have offered welcome packs including fancy dress costumes, traffic cones and hang over cures. Posher universities are offering subsidised grouse shooting weekends, and one Oxbridge college is offering the chance to do a trolley dash through the college wine cellar.

The University of Barking defended its condom offer as cost-effective, as promoting student health and well-being, and as a sensible response to record levels of STIs on campus.

They neglected to mention the expulsion of a previous beneficiary of the scheme, who filled over a thousand condoms with helium and tied them to a statue of the founder. The statue had floated away and has not yet been retrieved. Anecdotal evidence suggests that it may have reached South Korea.

Image: Bru-nO - Pixabay