Scriptwriter says Rishi Sunak is not canon

Fans of the never ending flow of Tory Prime Ministers, were disappointed to discover that Sunak is not part of the narrative and there are no electoral plans for a spinoff series. In fact, Sunak is viewed with a sense of embarrassment and is blamed upon Disney studios for taking the franchise in the wrong direction.

'Strictly speaking he does not belong in this universe, he's too implausible and is clearly a fan fiction creation - if pixie bankers are your thing. Maybe in a multiverse where Brexit was a success, but even then he'd just be comic relief.

'The truth is Sunak is going to be written out. His non-canonical legacy will be replaced with an advert break.' Asked about how Keir Starmer fitted in with the continuity of Tory PMs: 'Oh, he'll fit in nicely.'

Govt ministers doing TV round will ditch facts in favour of barefaced lies

It's being reported today government ministers doing daily TV studio rounds will no longer seek to defend the catastrophic shambles they call governance. Instead, they will simply tell barefaced lies on policy and performance.

First in to bat was Home Secretary, James Cleverly. Is that still his job?

Without even a sightly shifty sideways glance, he insisted all legacy asylum cases have now been dealt with one hundred percent as per the party's previous claim, regardless of what factchecking agencies say.

When challenged that his statement was nothing more than a laughable attempt to cook the books, Cleverly stuck his fingers in his ears and said: ''Tizn't, tizn't tizn't. It's  jolly well true... so there.'

Further scepticism only drew a double down response: 'We've done it. Yes, believe me, I should know because I'm a government minister, and we've now decided on the Cabinet WhatsApp group that anything we say is true.

'Therefore, I'm also delighted to be able to announce the 7 million plus NHS waiting list has now been trimmed down to a single Scunthorpe man called Alan, and that's just an ingrowing toenail op. We are clearly the most competent government this country has ever seen.'

Photo by Austin Distel on Unsplash

Jungle disease 'Farage' set to spread

The WHO has warned that an outbreak of 'Farage' could hearld a return to masks - if only to cover up his gurning face. Carried by mosquitos and British Airways, Farage is said to twice as deadly as the flu and three times as moronic as Lawrence Fox.

The disease can be spread through liquids but only craft ale. An airborne mutation has been heard on GB News and Farage can be carried through the blood, but only if you believe in racial purity.

The NHS is bracing itself for a Winter outbreak of xenophobia and losing all its foreign nurses. A doctor said: 'Be on the lookout for symptoms. Vomiting is not uncommon should you meet Farage. And the symptoms are just as bad.'