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A widget-making firm which employed someone who hooked up with young people online is now "irreparably damaged" and "doomed", according to impartial industry commentators.


"I can't see how anyone will buy a single widget from this manufacturer ever again," they continued, impartially.


The commentators on this matter all run rival widget companies, and would like nothing better than to see the century-old British Widget Corporation close down.


"The government must respond to this earth-shattering scandal by immediately scrapping the Widget Licence Fee, so we can make more money," said a spokeswoman for Sky Widgets.





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Actress Olivia Colman has issued an apology for being in practically every film and TV show for the past five years.


”It started when I was basking in the success of my astonishing performance in The Night Manager, or Fleabag, or something. One night when I was drunk, I changed my answering machine message to say that if anyone was calling with an offer of work, I’d do it.”


”Then I just forgot about it. By the time I remembered, I’d unwittingly agreed to be in two dozen things. And my lawyer said even a verbal agreement was binding.”


“For last five years, I’ve scarcely had a break from filming something or other. I can hardly remember where I live, or used to live. Believe me, I’m as sick of seeing myself on screen as you are.”


Colman said she’d consulted Ben Wishaw, who is believed to be in the same situation, but he also couldn’t find a way out of it.


In the meantime, she had to go as she was due to appear in someone’s pregnancy scan. “A small part, but wait ‘til you see what I do with it. And after that, I’m reading the news on Al Jazeera.”




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