King Charles “really not that interested in soldiers marching about”

Following today’s Trooping of the Colour ceremony, Buckingham Palace has issued a statement saying King Charles really isn’t that interested in watching soldiers marching about.

”I know mummy used to enjoy it, though God knows the ancient Greek always looked as bored as f*ck.

”Anyway, I’m King now and what I say goes. So please don’t expect me to sit through this bollocks again next year, all this stupid marching about for no reason. I mean, they don’t even look like real soldiers in those silly red uniforms and furry hats. No wonder we lost India. 

“And don’t get me started on the bloody Red Arrows. So you can fly close to each other belching out coloured smoke, whoopee doo-dah. Do you know how many bloody times I’ve seen that? Either learn a new trick or let me enjoy my birthday in my own way.

”And that’s another thing - it’s not even my birthday, it’s my official birthday, which is a load of bollocks, frankly. My actual birthday is on… well, I don’t recall, but one of my staff will know.”

Soon after the press release was sent out, the King’s Press Secretary returned from a short holiday, saying “Well, the ceremony looked splendid on TV as always. Anything much happen while I was away?”

image from pixabay

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Spaceship to recover lost TV episodes

Billionaire Tech Bro Jeff Bezos is planning to recover lost TV episodes from space.

He claims that TV programmes originally broadcast in the fifties and sixties, for which no recordings exist, ‘can be recovered from space’.  The theory is that the original broadcast signals are still travelling out in deep space and that, if you have a fast enough spaceship, then you could get ahead of the signals in time to record them for posterity.

Blue Origin is building a new and super-fast rocket that will be able to find and record lost episodes of Dad’s Army, Hancock’s Half Hour and Steptoe and Son.  The company also hopes to recover some old American TV programmes, but who cares about those?  Blue Origin is offering to find and record the old shows as an important service to humanity, but also to boost audiences on Prime TV, as it’s cheaper than making new shows.

‘These sitcoms are enormously important records of British culture in the 1960s,’ said a spokesperson who hardly looked 19, never mind 60, and clearly knew nothing about old British TV classics.  ‘Modern technology can recover these lost programmes and monetise them for future generations.’

There are rumours of a deal with the BBC that will allow the recovered shows to be broadcast in Britain for free, in return for the rights to re-broadcast them around the world on pay TV.  Who knew that the BBC could be that savvy?

A spokesman for Jeff Bezos reiterated the importance of the mission. ‘The jokes may not have aged well. The jokes could be racist, misogynist and anti-trans.   But a little controversy never hurt sales, so we are happy to rescue Britain once again – this time by saving their beloved, low-budget, and funny-for-reasons-that-Americans-don’t-understand TV sitcoms.’

Image credit: deep dream generator

Virgin Island candidates ‘Not sacrificial lambs, honest’ say C4

The candidates on Virgin Island – adults so introverted that they’ve made it well into adulthood without popping their cherries – have been told that after their televised deflowering they must take an exam without studying for it, queue in Tesco in their underwear and then run away from a predator through a viscous material so they can only run really slowly.

It’s all part of Channel 4’s Real Nightmares season, which aims to destroy the lives of ordinary people to help with the station’s mission of ‘increasing customer figures for dodgy online casinos’.

‘We’re proud of our work at Channel 4’, a spokesman told us. ‘We’ve always tested the boundaries. Currently we’re seeing how far we can go before the UN declares it an atrocity. It’s surely only a matter of time’.

In fairness, Channel 4’s lawyers vetoed falling from a great height and shark attack, though we suspect that’s more a question of ‘when’, not ‘if’.

Image: Pixabay/renateko